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crofter in a merry mood

The crofter is in a merry mood

the same stock as last year

found a use for unsold barley

in a vat of home made beer




filling in his stock returns

with an artistic flourish

wondering why he is so poor

with a population to nourish




writing out his Christmas cards

not delivered due to strike

his greetings on a social site

didn't get a like




the stockings are full this year

most of it is wrapping

politicians so love the farmers

one day we'll hear them clapping

rich man and the crofter

The rich man drinks champagne

from new crystal flute

the middling folk get after shave

of Fabergé or Brut

the crofter wears an old wool sweater

under a John Dere boiler suit




the rich folk have a portfolio

of investments and shares

the middling folk go to winter sales

for new settee and chairs

the crofter fixes what must be fixed

from a byre of assorted spares




the rich man is suicidal

with all shares in decline

the middling folk are redundant

for work they stand in line

the crofter is crofting as normal

now folks say he's doing fine

a day at the mart

Hill Farmer George in a rush

Stopped to say hello

"Nice to see you crofter

But I really have to go

Lambs in the auction mart

I seem to have some luck

But there is a line of creditors

That I will have to duck

.

The corn merchant is first in line

A man I really hate

Only half the certified seed

Managed to germinate

For the agricultural mechanic

The payment's in the mail

Machines that work fine all year

But at harvest time they fail

.

I must avoid the agrochemical rep

With his weed free land proposal

All the chemicals are now dangerous

And I pay for their disposal

Pass my regards as you pass

To the man from the ministry

That pay corporate landowners

And gives bugger all to me

.

"You’ll be off to the bank manager

To deposit before withdrawal?"

"He’s the one I try to avoid

The biggest crook of all

He extends the overdraft

When things are all plain sailing

Then doubles the interest rate

To keep me on the cusp of failing"

.

Off to the mart canteen

To enjoy a well-earned snack

To buy a bacon sandwich

With Danish on the back

Everywhere I look

I see food that’s been imported

Poor farmer George will stay poor

Till cheap imports have been sorted

Blind trust

 

When a rich Member of parliament enters the government all his business dealings are placed in a blind trust, so he will not be swayed or corrupted.

Most blind trusts are hedge funds. Hedge funds love wars, shortages, oil, gas, power generation, and off shore tax havens. Any investment that can make them rich.

for example.

The O2 Arena. During lockdown can not generate income, but as a Nightingale hospital that is never used and funded by government (NHS budget) it can generate £2M in rent (nice one Jacob).




I do not want the corrupt MP that made a stonking illegal fortune at the expense of others to loose out. I want them to prosper, not to be disadvantaged by loyal service.




What I propose is that all the MPs income and investments, should be used to buy government 4 year bonds. They will get a fixed rate of interest. The country will benefit, and more to the point any decisions made by government will be in the best interest of a peaceful country.




Worth putting to a vote?

this valentine

I bought my love an opinel knife

and some baler twine

It's what a crofter always needs

so thought it should be fine

on old feed sacks drew some hearts

the colour looked divine

so I thought I was prepared

to impress this valentine

Her response was less than expected

and her language unrefined

urine extraction

At the start of the pandemic when testing was expensive and infrequent, Northumbria water found a way to detect Covid 19 in sewage. This was promising, but needed work and investment. The water company could identify which sewage plant had the infection but could not pin it down to a district, street, house, or even a person.



A trial urine sampling system was urgently needed. A suggestion was made that a urine extraction system could be developed to test urine in key locations but it would need to be trialled, and also a blind trial to run concurrently, but how and on whom.




Fit young persons would be preferable so they looked at universities. It is true that students would do anything for a bob or two, but being kept on campus to pass urine for examination, for no reward would not go down well. Being stuck on campus had already proved to be unpopular.




It was at this stage that the Prime Minister intervened. He recommended the trial should be conducted on the Government, and Government staff. If no one was told it could be a blind, and an active test. The government also had a range of age groups so the results would reflect the general population better. Once they agreed that the Government should be the guinea pig, there was a need for utmost secrecy. All government employees had signed the official secrets act.




In the basement of Downing street a urine extraction system and testing laboratory was constructed. This was done under the pretext of a redecoration. All sewage ran through the testing site. The amount of sewage became a concern as it barely covered the minimum amount required. They needed to increase the flow, a greater need to extract the urine




It was suggested that coffee, and tea were a mild diuretic if given free, and at a good quality it would reduce staff using flasks of water. The urine increased but not sufficiently. Alcohol would be better but not too much and not all the time.




A number of work related social gatherings were organised. To ensure secrecy the events took place in the rose garden, a site renowned for the passing of bullshit. If wet the new conference centre could be used. This improved the urine extraction considerably.




Evaluation of the testing material was well underway when there was a leak (excuse the pun). The public became aware of the urine extraction events, held behind closed doors and there was outrage.




The prime Minister tried distraction, It didn't work.

He tried blaming the media. It didn't work

He tried being sorry, forget it and move on. It didn't work




He could not raise false expectations so set up an enquiry by Sue Gray to smooth things over. Sue would give the details of her findings to the PM. The PM would obviously tell her where to look, and where not to. Sue Gray being appointed to the task will not be able to return to her job after the report so must be elevated to the house of lords.




There is the nub. What can she be called. A straw poll of the Clapham omnibus indicated the public wanted her called Lady Gray of sleazy Mac Sleaze face. This clearly will not do. Other suggestions are Dame Sue Tundish Gray of Twyford, Dame Sue catheter Gray of Armitage Shanks, Lady Lapee Gray and Madame Duchamp ( a suggestion from the arts council). All of which make sleazy mac sleaze face attractive. The decision is of course left with Sue Gray, as in all matter she will have the last word.