I bought my love an opinel knife
and some baler twine
It's what a crofter always needs
so thought it should be fine
on old feed sacks drew some hearts
the colour looked divine
so I thought I was prepared
to impress this valentine
Her response was less than expected
and her language unrefined
At the start of the pandemic when testing was expensive and infrequent, Northumbria water found a way to detect Covid 19 in sewage. This was promising, but needed work and investment. The water company could identify which sewage plant had the infection but could not pin it down to a district, street, house, or even a person.
A trial urine sampling system was urgently needed. A suggestion was made that a urine extraction system could be developed to test urine in key locations but it would need to be trialled, and also a blind trial to run concurrently, but how and on whom.
Fit young persons would be preferable so they looked at universities. It is true that students would do anything for a bob or two, but being kept on campus to pass urine for examination, for no reward would not go down well. Being stuck on campus had already proved to be unpopular.
It was at this stage that the Prime Minister intervened. He recommended the trial should be conducted on the Government, and Government staff. If no one was told it could be a blind, and an active test. The government also had a range of age groups so the results would reflect the general population better. Once they agreed that the Government should be the guinea pig, there was a need for utmost secrecy. All government employees had signed the official secrets act.
In the basement of Downing street a urine extraction system and testing laboratory was constructed. This was done under the pretext of a redecoration. All sewage ran through the testing site. The amount of sewage became a concern as it barely covered the minimum amount required. They needed to increase the flow, a greater need to extract the urine
It was suggested that coffee, and tea were a mild diuretic if given free, and at a good quality it would reduce staff using flasks of water. The urine increased but not sufficiently. Alcohol would be better but not too much and not all the time.
A number of work related social gatherings were organised. To ensure secrecy the events took place in the rose garden, a site renowned for the passing of bullshit. If wet the new conference centre could be used. This improved the urine extraction considerably.
Evaluation of the testing material was well underway when there was a leak (excuse the pun). The public became aware of the urine extraction events, held behind closed doors and there was outrage.
The prime Minister tried distraction, It didn't work.
He tried blaming the media. It didn't work
He tried being sorry, forget it and move on. It didn't work
He could not raise false expectations so set up an enquiry by Sue Gray to smooth things over. Sue would give the details of her findings to the PM. The PM would obviously tell her where to look, and where not to. Sue Gray being appointed to the task will not be able to return to her job after the report so must be elevated to the house of lords.
There is the nub. What can she be called. A straw poll of the Clapham omnibus indicated the public wanted her called Lady Gray of sleazy Mac Sleaze face. This clearly will not do. Other suggestions are Dame Sue Tundish Gray of Twyford, Dame Sue catheter Gray of Armitage Shanks, Lady Lapee Gray and Madame Duchamp ( a suggestion from the arts council). All of which make sleazy mac sleaze face attractive. The decision is of course left with Sue Gray, as in all matter she will have the last word.
