Gordon Santa's elf

Gordon , Santa’s elf 53, did as he was told, no more, no less. If told to make a car it was just a car shape, cut out of a piece of wood. It would look like a plank with a hump, not a Ferrari. It would do!

Santa decided Gordon would do the delivery run on Christmas eve. Gordon said he was a construction elf, not sales. He would obviously need persuading. The promise of cocoa and Lincoln biscuits did the trick.

At the first house , he had to deliver to a boy called Archie. He grabbed a wooden farm, that will do.

At the bottom of the chimney Gordon saw a boy still awake.

“ Are you Archie “ Gordon asked

“ yes “

“Why are you still awake?”

Archie was rubbing the stump of an arm.

“I’ve got a pain in the bit that's missing” said Archie. “I happens when you have lost a limb, called a phantom pain. It’s very painful and you can not do anything about it.”

“Well here is your present from Santa.” said Gordon and placed a wooden farm on the table. It was rough, badly made. It was one of Gordon's presents, and would not do.

Gordon grabbed the present and shot back up the chimney. He pulled out the travelling work box and set to work. In seconds he was finished (elves are very quick) and went back down, placing the beautifully made present to the table.

It was well made everything could be opened with one hand, all the handles , doors, stables, and pens easy to open. Archie was thrilled and gave Gordon a one armed hug, very tight.

“ you are my favourite elf, what is your name.”

“Gordon .” Gordon mumbled very embarrassed and disappeared up the chimney.

At the top Santa looked at Gordon something had changed.

“Are you alright, you have a tear in the corner of your eye.” Said Santa

“ I think so, I feel different, more alive and I feel like crying. I’ll get over it.”

“You silly elf it’s love you are feeling. Every Elf has a little bit of love in them. It just stays inside doing nothing good or nothing bad, just sits there. The moment you give it away, it  explodes inside. Lights up the body, makes it feel alive, able to build plan and think of others. Every one has it, few get the chance to give it away. The more you give even more is left behind. You can never give enough love, the more you give the more you have.” Said Santa

On ward to the next delivery

The next delivery was for a girl called Alice that wanted a car. Gordon did many cars one of them would do. Gordon and the present went down the chimney, the room was black. Something moved.

“Who’s there” said Gordon's

“Alice “ the girl replied

“what are you doing moving about in the dark.” said Gordon

“Is it.”said Alice

“It’s as black as pitch.”said Gordon

“Sorry I didn’t know I’m Blind, do you want a light on, There is a switch here somewhere.”said Alice 

“No it’s alright.” said Gordon switching on the fibre optic pom pom on top of his hat.

“What do you want for Christmas “ asked Gordon

“A car .” said Alice

“I’ll just go and get it.”said Gordon

The present he had in his hand would not do. Up the chimney he went, pulled out the work bench and set to work. He was finished in a second. Elves can work very fast especially at Christmas time. He returned with a car that would do, and gave it to Alice. Alice run her hand over every part and was giggling.

“Something wrong?” asked Gordon 

“No it’s wonderful each part has a different texture, is it a colour?”

“Yes different texture for each colour, that colour is pink. The bottom is black and the wheels silver.”

“Ooh the dials are in braille I can read the dials. This stick says indicator, the other washer. What does that mean?”

“It’s windscreen washer to clean the windscreen, so you can .. never mind it has a water spray.”

“There is a doll in the back with long hair in pink?”

“Yes that is pink, lady Penelope.”

“So the one driving must be Parker I love Parker so loyal.”

“Yes the one driving is Parker that colour is grey. Will have to go , lots to do, merry Christmas.”

Alice hugged him and kissed him before he left.

Both eyes were wet.

“Onward we go.” said Santa

“This house is where George lives he is old and will give you a list to complete. The list is of people in need but  too proud to ask, like George. George only wants his walking stick repaired. “ Said Santa

Gordon went down the chimney there was no fire , and had not been a fire for days. The room was cold, ice cold.  Icicles hung down from the windows. Gordon was sitting in a broken rocking chair huddled under a thin blanket.

“Hello George I’m Elf 53 you can call me Gordon. You have a list for me?”

“Ah yes I have it here somewhere, I’m afraid it is longer than normal, we seem to be in an interesting time, as the economist call it.”

George struggled out of the chair resting on a broken walking stick, and handed the list to Gordon.

“Oh, this is going to take some time, why don’t you lie down while I get things done.”

Gordon helped George into bed, and covered him in a thick duet, with the maximum tog rating.

First Gordon fixed things not on the list. A warm house, food in the pantry, running water from the tap not down the walls, a proper rocking chair (padded) and a new walking stick in ebony with a shepherds crook at one end. At the tip of the crook the head of an Anglo Nubian goat.

 He then went off to fix what was on the list, mainly food, warmth and aid for the elderly to get about.

He made a cup of dandelion tea for George and a plate of Orcadian oatcakes.

George woke, thanked Gordon for the tea.

“Oatcakes my favourite.” said George “You know what those oatcakes are crying out for? Settled goats cheese.”

George got up and went to the pantry. On the shelf were three mature Settled goats cheeses.

“One of those cheeses is for Santa, one for my grand daughter when she comes, and the other I keep just in case Charlie the elf calls again.”

“You know Charlie? He was my Dad. He was shot down delivering aid to Yemen.” said Gordon's

“Oh you poor elf, Charlie was one of the best. A bit like you. Santa is very lucky to have two good elves to work for him. As I recall Charlie loved the Settled Cheese and said he always kept some for his son.” Said George

George gave the two cheeses to Gordon. Gordon hugged George too tearful to speak. Then shot up the Chimney with the cheeses.

Santa placed the cheeses in the cool box and headed for home. Gordon was sobbing uncontrollably.

As they entered the home leg Gordon said “ If you can not get anyone to do the delivery run next year, would you consider me.”

“If that is what you want?”

“Yes please. Said Gordon's”

“That will do nicely “said Santa “that will do.”

  

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WASPS

 Do you really need to kill wasps?

This time of the year they are ridding your garden of aphids and pests.

In 6 weeks time they will leave the nest and that site will never be used again. You probably only just noticed them, because the colony is getting near to rearing queens and will be about as big as it will get.

If you have to destroy the nest, do not do it during the day, 90% of the colony are out foraging, and you will be left with thousands of angry wasps.

Wait until nightfall and either spray a shop bought wasp killer, or place a cup of petrol under the nest. The fumes will kill them.

to ensure it doesn't happen again, hang a large paper bag in the roof of your shed. Queen wasps looking to start a colony will think a colony is in place with a head start over her. She will go else where.

When the queens have left the nest the pheromone will linger. worker wasp will congregate for a few more days, and will crave anything sweet.

Do not buy drinks in a can. Buy drinks in a see through bottle and check before you drink. a wasp sting in the throat will kill a child.

Wasp trap!!

put jam in a clear glass bottle. fill half way with water.

cover the top sides of the bottle with duck tape to make it dark.

Wasps will fly in, drawn by the smell of the jam, but are reluctant to fly up into the dark. they will fall exhausted and drown. You will need to empty the bottle and refill before the end of summer.

Wasps for all the good they do pollinating and pest control control in the garden are on the whole beneficial to the planet.

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honey for sale

 Saw a post on Facebook from a bee-keeper, that has a surplus of 40 jars of honey, and wanted advice on how to sell them.

The obvious advice is don't!

Put them in the back of the wardrobe for next year and don't take the honey next year. Leave it for the bees, it will save a fortune on winter feed.

You probably promised the wife a week in Lanzarote on the proceeds, so wont listen to that advice. Anyway you have kept the bees for two years its about time they kept you!

With your 40 jars you are now a food producer and must adhere to the food safety agency rules.

These rules were set by the Minister for food and rural affairs with advice from the big food producers. These producers wined and dined the Minister, in Mustique on an all expenses paid holiday. So borrowing the wife's wellies to camp in a muddy corner of the field may not sway the Ministerial overlord to look favourably at a budding entrepreneur.

is your honey safe?

We all know the healing properties of honey and how it can destroy bacteria, but you have to prove your honey is the same, thus it needs to be tested. Three to five kilos per sample should be sufficient. While they are at it, they may as well, test for content on the honey so you can display it on the label. With prudent shopping around you could get a quote for under £500, if you discard the travel cost to Milton Keynes and back.

The test results will prove it is free of bacteria but full of sugar, a bad thing. The jar will now have to display a red warning, as it is harmful to health. The local press will latch onto the fact that you alone are stimulating the world obesity crisis. You can expect some irate phone calls .

You don't have to employ a full PR department at this stage. If you know some one that works for an Energy company, internet provider, or insurance, you may be able to find out where they purchase their answering machine.

These machines are worth their weight in gold, not only do they tell the caller, their call is important to them, but they also keep them on hold, playing raucous, discordant music to enrage and cause the caller to cease the call. If the caller is stubborn, it will give 9 choices of fictitious departments the caller can access by pressing a button. The act of pressing the button will automatically drop the line and disconnect.

Labels

Your honey must have a label. The label must convey to the customer exactly what is in the jar, who made it where you live, and how to contact you. It must be easy to read. Don't be fooled by the labels of big companies. They can do what they like, you have to stick to the local rules. The local environment health officers can close you down. Just because the commercial jar of honey says heather honey in letters you need a microscope to read. Your label must be able to be read from the shop doorway. A font size the same as the emergency fire exit is desirable, but may not be that practical. Basic rule, big jars, big writing, with Braille if possible and a QR code liked back to your website. Filming happy bees flying in and out of the hive entrance is ideal. There also needs to be the back story about your happy bees, and your life with them. Your history would be useful. You need not mention all the divorces.

Just call it Honey. If your local trading standards test your honey and finds Alice 1847321/9. stopped off at the apple tree to top up with nectar and not fly direct to the oil seed rape field, and you called your honey Oil Seed Rape honey, you could be in trouble.

Scales

You must sell the honey by weight. The weight must be accurate. Trading standards will check. The recommended scales will cost a fortune. They will be the only scales acceptable This Year. Next year you may have to repurchase, because you scales are no longer recommended.

The managing director of the scales company was the best man at the wedding of the head of weights and measures, but that means nothing, and is just coincidental. You must do and buy as you are told.

Risk assessment

You will have to complete a risk assessment in compliant to a risk assessment the environmental health department uses. It will be based on best practice of the biggest company (according to them) and must follow Hazard analysis critical control points (HACCP). At this stage you should make yourself aware of Food standard acronyms. Inspectors talk in them all the time, saves using English. Inspectors will never explain in plain English what they mean, but will blurt out acronyms jargon and clichés infinitum. After five or so years of visits and rewriting the risk assessment, you will be beaten into some form of compliance.

The honey processing plant.

Not your home or kitchen, a purposely built unit with electricity, water , toilets and rest room.

It goes without saying you have a degree in food hygiene or similar, or employ some one that has.

You will have to test the honey at each critical control point. You must be able to record room temperature, humidity, relative vapour pressure, ph, moisture content, and air quality. Your local environmental department will have friends that produce such measuring devices. You do not need to measure radiation, as the company hasn't built a machine for that yet.

At each stage the honey must be tested and a record made. The process should be repeated every 5 minutes and recorded.

That is a person, testing the uncapping, filtering, jar filling. ( Not glass jars they could break) and sealing.

Once they realise it is only you doing it and you are not going to employ staff, HR department, wages, stores, PR, and a CEO. You are wasting their time and they will find a way to close you down.

Once you have completed an acceptable risk assessment, they will phone you and ask what steps you will take to deal with a new virus discovered near Timbuktu that killed a toddler. The toddler was thought to have tasted honey in its short life.

The recommendation to treat this disease is, boil the honey until you have the taste and consistency of bitumen. Not a problem as you will not be aiming for returning customers.

While you are setting up the company you have taken too much honey from the bees, and killed them off. This is not a problem because on Allibaba you see they are selling honey in 50 ton loads delivered to your door, half the price you can buy it in the shops. Just fill the jars and sell on.

Welcome to corporate Britain

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