Saturday, December 20, 2025

Gordon Santa's elf

Gordon , Santa’s elf 53, did as he was told, no more, no less. If told to make a car it was just a car shape, cut out of a piece of wood. It would look like a plank with a hump, not a Ferrari. It would do!
Santa decided Gordon would do the delivery run on Christmas eve. Gordon said he was a construction elf, not sales. He would obviously need persuading. The promise of cocoa and Lincoln biscuits did the trick.
At the first house , he had to deliver to a boy called Archie. He grabbed a wooden farm, that will do.
At the bottom of the chimney Gordon saw a boy still awake.
“ Are you Archie “ Gordon asked
“ yes “
“Why are you still awake?”
Archie was rubbing the stump of an arm.
“I’ve got a pain in the bit that's missing” said Archie. “I happens when you have lost a limb, called a phantom pain. It’s very painful and you can not do anything about it.”
“Well here is your present from Santa.” said Gordon and placed a wooden farm on the table. It was rough, badly made. It was one of Gordon's presents, and would not do.
Gordon grabbed the present and shot back up the chimney. He pulled out the travelling work box and set to work. In seconds he was finished (elves are very quick) and went back down, placing the beautifully made present to the table.
It was well made everything could be opened with one hand, all the handles , doors, stables, and pens easy to open. Archie was thrilled and gave Gordon a one armed hug, very tight.
“ you are my favourite elf, what is your name.”
“Gordon .” Gordon mumbled very embarrassed and disappeared up the chimney.

At the top Santa looked at Gordon something had changed.
“Are you alright, you have a tear in the corner of your eye.” Said Santa
“ I think so, I feel different, more alive and I feel like crying. I’ll get over it.”
“You silly elf it’s love you are feeling. Every Elf has a little bit of love in them. It just stays inside doing nothing good or nothing bad, just sits there. The moment you give it away, it  explodes inside. Lights up the body, makes it feel alive, able to build plan and think of others. Every one has it, few get the chance to give it away. The more you give even more is left behind. You can never give enough love, the more you give the more you have.” Said Santa
On ward to the next delivery

The next delivery was for a girl called Alice that wanted a car. Gordon did many cars one of them would do. Gordon and the present went down the chimney, the room was black. Something moved.
“Who’s there” said Gordon's
“Alice “ the girl replied
“what are you doing moving about in the dark.” said Gordon
“Is it.”said Alice
“It’s as black as pitch.”said Gordon
“Sorry I didn’t know I’m Blind, do you want a light on, There is a switch here somewhere.”said Alice 
“No it’s alright.” said Gordon switching on the fibre optic pom pom on top of his hat.
“What do you want for Christmas “ asked Gordon
“A car .” said Alice
“I’ll just go and get it.”said Gordon
The present he had in his hand would not do. Up the chimney he went, pulled out the work bench and set to work. He was finished in a second. Elves can work very fast especially at Christmas time. He returned with a car that would do, and gave it to Alice. Alice run her hand over every part and was giggling.
“Something wrong?” asked Gordon 
“No it’s wonderful each part has a different texture, is it a colour?”
“Yes different texture for each colour, that colour is pink. The bottom is black and the wheels silver.”
“Ooh the dials are in braille I can read the dials. This stick says indicator, the other washer. What does that mean?”
“It’s windscreen washer to clean the windscreen, so you can .. never mind it has a water spray.”
“There is a doll in the back with long hair in pink?”
“Yes that is pink, lady Penelope.”
“So the one driving must be Parker I love Parker so loyal.”
“Yes the one driving is Parker that colour is grey. Will have to go , lots to do, merry Christmas.”
Alice hugged him and kissed him before he left.
Both eyes were wet.

“Onward we go.” said Santa

“This house is where George lives he is old and will give you a list to complete. The list is of people in need but  too proud to ask, like George. George only wants his walking stick repaired. “ Said Santa
Gordon went down the chimney there was no fire , and had not been a fire for days. The room was cold, ice cold.  Icicles hung down from the windows. Gordon was sitting in a broken rocking chair huddled under a thin blanket.
“Hello George I’m Elf 53 you can call me Gordon. You have a list for me?”
“Ah yes I have it here somewhere, I’m afraid it is longer than normal, we seem to be in an interesting time, as the economist call it.”
George struggled out of the chair resting on a broken walking stick, and handed the list to Gordon.
“Oh, this is going to take some time, why don’t you lie down while I get things done.”
Gordon helped George into bed, and covered him in a thick duet, with the maximum tog rating.
First Gordon fixed things not on the list. A warm house, food in the pantry, running water from the tap not down the walls, a proper rocking chair (padded) and a new walking stick in ebony with a shepherds crook at one end. At the tip of the crook the head of an Anglo Nubian goat.
 He then went off to fix what was on the list, mainly food, warmth and aid for the elderly to get about.
He made a cup of dandelion tea for George and a plate of Orcadian oatcakes.
George woke, thanked Gordon for the tea.
“Oatcakes my favourite.” said George “You know what those oatcakes are crying out for? Settled goats cheese.”
George got up and went to the pantry. On the shelf were three mature Settled goats cheeses.
“One of those cheeses is for Santa, one for my grand daughter when she comes, and the other I keep just in case Charlie the elf calls again.”
“You know Charlie? He was my Dad. He was shot down delivering aid to Yemen.” said Gordon's
“Oh you poor elf, Charlie was one of the best. A bit like you. Santa is very lucky to have two good elves to work for him. As I recall Charlie loved the Settled Cheese and said he always kept some for his son.” Said George
George gave the two cheeses to Gordon. Gordon hugged George too tearful to speak. Then shot up the Chimney with the cheeses.

Santa placed the cheeses in the cool box and headed for home. Gordon was sobbing uncontrollably.
As they entered the home leg Gordon said “ If you can not get anyone to do the delivery run next year, would you consider me.”
“If that is what you want?”
“Yes please. Said Gordon's”
“That will do nicely “said Santa “that will do.”




  

Wednesday, June 11, 2025

WASPS

 Do you really need to kill wasps?

This time of the year they are ridding your garden of aphids and pests.
In 6 weeks time they will leave the nest and that site will never be used again. You probably only just noticed them, because the colony is getting near to rearing queens and will be about as big as it will get.
If you have to destroy the nest, do not do it during the day, 90% of the colony are out foraging, and you will be left with thousands of angry wasps.
Wait until nightfall and either spray a shop bought wasp killer, or place a cup of petrol under the nest. The fumes will kill them.
to ensure it doesn't happen again, hang a large paper bag in the roof of your shed. Queen wasps looking to start a colony will think a colony is in place with a head start over her. She will go else where.
When the queens have left the nest the pheromone will linger. worker wasp will congregate for a few more days, and will crave anything sweet.
Do not buy drinks in a can. Buy drinks in a see through bottle and check before you drink. a wasp sting in the throat will kill a child.
Wasp trap!!
put jam in a clear glass bottle. fill half way with water.
cover the top sides of the bottle with duck tape to make it dark.
Wasps will fly in, drawn by the smell of the jam, but are reluctant to fly up into the dark. they will fall exhausted and drown. You will need to empty the bottle and refill before the end of summer.
Wasps for all the good they do pollinating and pest control control in the garden are on the whole beneficial to the planet.

Thursday, February 13, 2025

honey for sale

 Saw a post on Facebook from a bee-keeper, that has a surplus of 40 jars of honey, and wanted advice on how to sell them.

The obvious advice is don't!
Put them in the back of the wardrobe for next year and don't take the honey next year. Leave it for the bees, it will save a fortune on winter feed.
You probably promised the wife a week in Lanzarote on the proceeds, so wont listen to that advice. Anyway you have kept the bees for two years its about time they kept you!
With your 40 jars you are now a food producer and must adhere to the food safety agency rules.
These rules were set by the Minister for food and rural affairs with advice from the big food producers. These producers wined and dined the Minister, in Mustique on an all expenses paid holiday. So borrowing the wife's wellies to camp in a muddy corner of the field may not sway the Ministerial overlord to look favourably at a budding entrepreneur.
is your honey safe?
We all know the healing properties of honey and how it can destroy bacteria, but you have to prove your honey is the same, thus it needs to be tested. Three to five kilos per sample should be sufficient. While they are at it, they may as well, test for content on the honey so you can display it on the label. With prudent shopping around you could get a quote for under £500, if you discard the travel cost to Milton Keynes and back.
The test results will prove it is free of bacteria but full of sugar, a bad thing. The jar will now have to display a red warning, as it is harmful to health. The local press will latch onto the fact that you alone are stimulating the world obesity crisis. You can expect some irate phone calls .
You don't have to employ a full PR department at this stage. If you know some one that works for an Energy company, internet provider, or insurance, you may be able to find out where they purchase their answering machine.
These machines are worth their weight in gold, not only do they tell the caller, their call is important to them, but they also keep them on hold, playing raucous, discordant music to enrage and cause the caller to cease the call. If the caller is stubborn, it will give 9 choices of fictitious departments the caller can access by pressing a button. The act of pressing the button will automatically drop the line and disconnect.
Labels
Your honey must have a label. The label must convey to the customer exactly what is in the jar, who made it where you live, and how to contact you. It must be easy to read. Don't be fooled by the labels of big companies. They can do what they like, you have to stick to the local rules. The local environment health officers can close you down. Just because the commercial jar of honey says heather honey in letters you need a microscope to read. Your label must be able to be read from the shop doorway. A font size the same as the emergency fire exit is desirable, but may not be that practical. Basic rule, big jars, big writing, with Braille if possible and a QR code liked back to your website. Filming happy bees flying in and out of the hive entrance is ideal. There also needs to be the back story about your happy bees, and your life with them. Your history would be useful. You need not mention all the divorces.
Just call it Honey. If your local trading standards test your honey and finds Alice 1847321/9. stopped off at the apple tree to top up with nectar and not fly direct to the oil seed rape field, and you called your honey Oil Seed Rape honey, you could be in trouble.
Scales
You must sell the honey by weight. The weight must be accurate. Trading standards will check. The recommended scales will cost a fortune. They will be the only scales acceptable This Year. Next year you may have to repurchase, because your scales are no longer recommended.
The managing director of the scales company was the best man at the wedding of the head of weights and measures, but that means nothing, and is just coincidental. You must do and buy as you are told.
Risk assessment
You will have to complete a risk assessment in compliant to a risk assessment the environmental health department uses. It will be based on best practice of the biggest company (according to them) and must follow Hazard analysis critical control points (HACCP). At this stage you should make yourself aware of Food standard acronyms. Inspectors talk in them all the time, saves using English. Inspectors will never explain in plain English what they mean, but will blurt out acronyms jargon and clichés infinitum. After five or so years of visits and rewriting the risk assessment, you will be beaten into some form of compliance.
The honey processing plant.
Not your home or kitchen, a purposely built unit with electricity, water , toilets and rest room.
It goes without saying you have a degree in food hygiene or similar, or employ some one that has.
You will have to test the honey at each critical control point. You must be able to record room temperature, humidity, relative vapour pressure, ph, moisture content, and air quality. Your local environmental department will have friends that produce such measuring devices. You do not need to measure radiation, as the company hasn't built a machine for that yet.
At each stage the honey must be tested and a record made. The process should be repeated every 5 minutes and recorded.
That is a person, testing the uncapping, filtering, jar filling. ( Not glass jars they could break) and sealing.
Once they realise it is only you doing it and you are not going to employ staff, HR department, wages, stores, PR, and a CEO. You are wasting their time and they will find a way to close you down.
Once you have completed an acceptable risk assessment, they will phone you and ask what steps you will take to deal with a new virus discovered near Timbuktu that killed a toddler. The toddler was thought to have tasted honey in its short life.
The recommendation to treat this disease is, boil the honey until you have the taste and consistency of bitumen. Not a problem as you will not be aiming for returning customers.
While you are setting up the company you have taken too much honey from the bees, and killed them off. This is not a problem because on Allibaba you see they are selling honey in 50 ton loads delivered to your door, half the price you can buy it in the shops. Just fill the jars and sell on.
Welcome to corporate Britain
Like
Comment
Send
Share

Saturday, December 21, 2024

Mr Grumpy goes to town



When old grumpy goes to town
I can't help but wonder
if all the traffic wardens
are trying to steal his thunder
with a cut in winter fuel allowance
it is a colossal blunder

the shops flood with music
a cacophony of sound
anything that could hold a tune
nowhere to be found
at the end of the hideous noise
the bugger is rewound

of course its time for presents
a time for seasonal toys
there'll be hand guns for the girls
and repeating riffles for the boys
which means bullets in primary schools
and security guards employs

off to spend the gift cards
from cards that lit the fire
loaded the shopping trolley
with Chinese crap so dire
but never read terms and conditions
and the date they all expire

grumpy out of pocket
and really in a mood
at least its a festival
so bound to be good food
offered canapés and vol-au-vent
how could they be so rude

Friday, May 24, 2024

weight tape

 


Heart girth
(inches)

Weight
(pounds)

Heart girth
(inches)

Weight
(pounds)

Heart girth
(inches)

Weight
(pounds)

10 3/4

5

20

30

32

100

11 3/4

6

21

34

33

105

12 3/4

7

22

38

34

115

13 1/4

8

23

43

35

125

13 3/4

9

24

50

36

140

14 1/4

10

25

56

37

150

14 3/4

11

26

62

38

160

15 1/4

12

27

68

39

170

16

14

28

73

40

180

17

16

29

80

41

190

18

22

30

85

42

200

19

26

31

90

43

215



Formula girth “x girth”x goat length”

300

to convert to metric pounds x 0.453

Tuesday, May 14, 2024

spring time


Down the muddy pothole lane

the rust flake pick-up goes

to the fields of sheep

of ewes with tales of woe

cold lambs risk of dying

now ewes udders cease to grow




there is food in the back

scarce this time of year

to sprinkle on the ground

for any sheep that's near

lambs with hypothermia

will not meet the auctioneer

Monday, March 18, 2024

resting on the farm gate

 


Resting on the farm gate

taking in some air

I saw a passing family

stop and intently stare




“what's that” said a little girl

sucking on some juice

“they are the dairy goats

it's milk they produce”




where is your cheese straw plant

or your burger tree

or the bush that has the eggs

or the giant that makes the pea




We saw all the averts

and the picture on the wrap

factories is where our food comes from

said the back to front baseball cap




why do you have a gate

we are entitled to roam

said the baseball cap, head down

looking at his phone.




The country is for nature

a place where we can play

and to stop global warming

with solar panels array




luckily they had to leave

and raced back to their car

hoping to miss the traffic jams

I hope they travel far

Sunday, January 14, 2024

I don't like goats milk!



I don't like goats milk!

A normal response we got at markets and shows, and so understandable, let me explain.

Goats milk can have two flavours. The main one is a slight lemon taste, the other is goat musk.

If you drink musk free goat milk it will have a mild lemon taste. This taste is transferred to the cheese and cream. When sampling our cheese cake, tasters commented on the lemon flavour, yet no flavouring was added. That means if the goat is right, and the husbandry correct, goats milk tastes slightly lemon. If you do not like lemon then you will not like goats products.

The musk is different and determined by the goat keeper. Musk is a pheromone communication between goats. It signifies health status, breeding cycle, and breed. The musk glands are behind the horns. Goats rub the back of their horns on twigs and branches to leave a musk trail. Goats that have a large range or sparse vegetation will have more musk. Plains goats, from lowland areas rich in vegetation have less or no musk. Non dairy goats stink.

The more mountainous the goat the more the stink. That stink gets into the coat, meat, and milk.

The French Alpine, LaMancha, and Nubian goats have low risk of goat musk. Swiss Alpine, Saanen, are more prone to musk.

The Saanen goat produces more milk than the Anglo Nubian thus is better for milk production. The Anglo Nubian has thicker milk suited for cheese and cream. What the goat keeper wants to do with the milk is crucial in selecting the right goat for them.

In general if a breeder goes for milk production, they generally are not keeping the milk, but selling it on, by quantity. More milk, more money. If there is a choice between a low yielding goat with clean milk or a high milk producing goat with a musk taint, the high yielding will be kept and bred from. They are not the ones using the milk, or get use to the taste.

UK goats

These range from Saanen (High yield low fat) descending yield to Toggenburg , British Alpine, Golden Guernsey, and Anglo Nubian (Low yield high fat) .

Cheese and cream makers favour Anglo Nubian. The best cheese and milk comes from a breeder that uses the milk themselves. It is very hard work keeping the goats and making cheese. Energy and time means a small producer can only keep 40 goats at the most, if they are using the milk. The milk and cheese will be taint free, unless they are a masochist. More than 40 milking goats the breeder is selling the milk, and not interested in taste.

For a smallholder to keep taint free goats they first need the right Goat, Alpine to Anglo Nubian. The next is to remove the scent glands by de-horning the goat. This is done by a vet before they are 9 days old. Horns are not desirable if the goat is handled. I have a few scars near the eyes from handling Cashmere goats.

The male goat is a smell to avoid. Males should be kept separate from milking goats except for mating. We mate every 2 years. Further south you can get away with mating every 3 years. After 10 they are not mated again and can be milked until they dry naturally.

Tips for a would be goat producer.

Taste, Taste , Taste the milk from the goat you want to buy, or its Mother if buying a kid.

If buying from a winning show goat remember they score the conformation, and milk yield, not the taste or temperament, some show goats can be hard to milk Prima Donna's .

If you have bought a horned smelly, Don't panic, De-horn the kids taste the milk when the kid starts to milk. If taint free you can feed the new kids the smelly milk and use the good stuff yourself.

I hate smelly goats milk. That is why I bought my own goats.

Sunday, January 7, 2024

6 reasons to keep goats

 Most frequently asked question, Why keep goats?

I will deal in-depth at a later stage with many issues raised, Broadly speaking here are the six reasons to keep goats.

Most importantly Milk

Goats milk is similar to human milk not quite as sweet. It is an A2 protein, and does not harm the biome as it develops. Going from cows milk, to goats milk, you should not taste the difference, going back to cows milk you notice it is not so creamy.  If there is a goatee taste to the milk, this is a breed and husbandry issue. Of the two goat milk producers that supply supermarkets one has a goatee taste the other is OK. Without causing controversy, I would buy  St.Helens milk if I had to. I would never recommend the other.

Wool

two types of wool are produced by goats, Cashmere, and Mohair.

 Angora goats produce Mohair (the diamond fibre) Mohair is between 19 and 23 Microns thick and equates to Merino wool and has similar thermal properties. Having flat scales it is less prickly than sheep's wool.

Cashmere is the under coat of all other goats. Around each guard hair secondary hair follicles grow. In a good quality Cashmere there can be as many as 20 secondary follicles. Cashmere must be between 14 and 17 microns, thicker is called cashgora. It is 8 times warmer than merino wool.

Leather

high quality soft leather can be obtained from goats. Ideal for gloves (kid gloves)


Meat

This has all the protein and good things without the bad of cows meat. Eaten young still on milk it is similar to chicken and gradually grows darker. Will be as tasty as lamb up to 4 years old after which it will taste like mutton. The fat is in the brown tissue so needs to cook slowly to release the full flavour. Not a meat to eat rare of medium rare.


Weed control

Goats are mainly browsers, They will eat grass and hay but love the fibrous broad leaf weeds.

if Your meadow is full of nettle, doc, thistle, brambles, dog rose, and briers, it is a goat dream menu. There is no need to plough and reseed when the hard to get rid of weeds are a nutritious diet. Ploughing releases carbon, thus goats keep the turf unturned and goes towards saving the planet. In Australia they use 1 goat per 4 sheep to keep the grazing land fit for sheep. 


Soil nutrient 

We are not making land any more. We are loosing good soil to erosion, flooding, and modern farming methods. Goat dropping help break down poor quality soil and rock with the gut microbes. It is not enough to treat the ground with fertilizer you have to encourage the microbes. Good microbes promote soil growth. If you dig up a piece of land and it is not teaming with life, That is dirt. Soil is life abundant, carbon hungry.


The future is goat (been saying that for thirty odd years). We will not see miles of lush green grass in the summers with global warming. The climate will be more suited to Mediterranean agriculture. Less cattle more goats and sheep  

Wednesday, January 3, 2024

Letter to Public Protection



BLUE HOUSE GOATS CEASED TRADING.

Following the routine inspection and subsequent telephone calls, I informed your inspector that I would cease trading by 31 December 2023. I was told to inform you when I had ceased, so you could amend your records. I have ceased trading. Please remove Blue house goats from your list of companies. I can assure you there is no satisfaction producing salty plasticine with a shelf life of 10 days that you require.

On the first inspection, your inspector waved his name badge, said he was from Public protection, and had the power to close me down. I do agree you have that power, what I dispute is that it has anything to do with public protection.

We were a small producer, producing goats cheese and yogurt. Small producers do not start with hedge fund backing, or unlimited supply of money. They start with their life savings and prepare to earn nothing for the first five years. They can not compete with supermarkets, farm factories, or food factories, on price or production. They can only survive with quality and taste.



Labels

It is essential that the public can read and understand food labels. Before we started we bought cheese and Yogurt from Marks and Spencer, Morrisons, Tesco, Asda and Sainsbury. We noted what was said on the labels and asked a graphics designer to produce labels similar. He said he could not produce labels that small but with a different font could make them fit. We told him to go ahead with the larger font labels.

Your inspector said the labels were illegal, They were too small even though larger than any labels in the Supermarket. We altered the size of the font and size of the labels. The cost was significant, increasing the labels cost from 15% to 23% of the product cost.

Either all British supermarkets are operating illegally, or Northumberland has its own laws.



Herbs

On a routine inspection it was noted that we produced cheese containing chives. This was a summer cheese whilst chives were growing, before flowering. Although grown in pots, cut and washed before use, the inspector considered it was a herb and thus needed to be pasteurised. It was pointed out that chives are of the Allium family (Allium species have antimicrobial activity against bacteria, fungi, viruses, and parasites. ) The inspector said, any thing added to cheese must be pasteurised. I ask how is that possible, he said, there are 3 ways to pasteurise herbs

liquid nitrogen . Having dealt with liquid Nitrogen before , and noting all the SOLAS regulations . This substance is dangerous in small spaces, and would never be used.


Strong chlorine wash, not a weak chlorine wash as in tap water. This would raise the ph of the chives, bleach the colour and destroy the taste, not to mention slipping into COSHH regulations. Clearly not feasible.


Immersing in hot water 72C for 2 minutes. I said it would make the chives like tasteless soggy grass. He was adamant this was not the case if done correctly.

I can accept that liquid Nitrogen and Chlorine were outside his skill set, so assumed immersion in hot water was something he was competent to advise on.

I said, in that case we will use dried chives. He said that was even more unacceptable as all dried herbs are dangerous unless used in cooking. He noted a serious incident at a food festival where dried curry leaves from Bangladesh caused an outbreak of Clostridium botulinum .

We stopped using chives in the cheese, although it is a popular Cheese. Immersing chives in hot water 72C turns them to soggy tasteless grass in less than 2 minutes, proved by experiment.



The last routine inspection (06/02/23) your inspector suggested it would be prudent to include another form for each cheese in the risk assessment, but I should complete a decision tree for the form. Not knowing what a decision tree was, she helpfully told me where to find the information online. This gave me a clear insight of the management of your department.



As suspected the decision tree is a flow chart. A flow chart is part of Critical path planning to ensure modules are brought together at the appropriate time to ensure no waste of materials, staff, time or money. Flow charts are used extensively in manufacture, civil engineering, and disaster planning, not form filling. I do not believe the inspector made it up, but it was gleaned from a trendy management course designed to make petty administrators think they are managers. These courses are used to reward staff and burn budgets. Government 5 year budgeting procedures (last year, this year, and three years hence.) mean it is important to use the budget allocated or the budget for the department will be cut. Budget burning courses are handy. We have all done it , but with the cost of living crisis and real term cuts to local authorities it is not appropriate and shows a lack of supervision by the chief executive and departmental heads.



Communication is critically important. Continuous use of acronyms, and house jargon does not convey competence. It is a display of arrogant contempt. If you can not convey the meaning of a formula or concept so that a four year old can understand you need to revisit the formula.



The conduct of a safety inspection.

Having done safety inspections for a number of years for a government agency, I am aware of inspection protocols. The power to close someone down is delegated power, from an act of Parliament, to the Secretary of state, delegated to the chief executive of the council, and downward to the head of department to the inspector. The inspector is acting on behalf of the Secretary of state, thus normal delegation protocols must be adhered. i.e. the authority delegated must match responsibility for action and staff commitment. Managers must ensure delegated authority is used correctly. This has not been done.

The inspection will be signed off by both parties as a true account of the inspection and action to be taken. It goes to say there must be clarity in what is compulsory, advisory, and for information.

Any follow up action must also be signed off as an accurate account of the inspection. Phone calls and emails after the inspection with no sign off protocol is harassment and malpractice. A competent manager can see what has been agreed and subsequent action. If they differ, malpractice has occurred, for which as head of the department, they are culpable, as is the Chief Executive that must ensure all departments operate with the law. Councils like Birmingham have been bankrupt by litigation, and lack of oversight.





85%+ of the population use supermarkets for food. So it would be prudent to check how well the council is protecting the public.



Labels . No change in the size of illegal labelling, in many cases the labels are smaller. In Aldi I noticed precooked rice. Rice is a major cause of food poisoning, so I tried to read the label. The writing on cooking instructions was far too small to be read. I asked a helpful assistant if she had a magnifying glass. She pulled out her mobile phone, expanded the label, and offered to send it in an email, most helpful. Sadly the majority of people with defective vision are over 60. Of the 23% of the population that do not have a smartphone or computer the majority are over 60. Northumberland has an aged population.

All labels have multiple font sizes, delicious and tasty are far larger than the ingredients or allergen information which are seriously undersized.



Allergen information. I recently went into the Green shop in Berwick following an inspection. It is festooned with Allergen posters, something you would never see in a supermarket, where Celery, is either tasty or succulent, not an allergen.





Herbs. These highly toxic products are tasty and delicious used raw or in cooking. There are no warnings that all herbs must be cooked or are a serious health risk. The dried herbs have no warning to only use in cooking. If your inspector was correct, there must be a government warning on the product.

Cheeses coated in herbs or herbs in the cheese are plentiful. Even Cottage cheese with chives are available.



Cheese Your inspector wants all cheese to be heated to 90C for 10 minutes, and 50% more salt, increase the acidity and have a shelf life of 10 days. Supermarkets are selling reduced salt cheese.

The shelf life of 10 does not exist. The shortest shelf life I could find was 13 days and it had a large yellow label reduced to clear. Most hard cheeses had a 3 to 4 months shelf life.

Pasteurised milk had a shelf life of 14 days.



Clostridium botulinum

I have never had a case of Clostridium botulinum in all the years of cheese making in Orkney and Northumberland which is not surprising considering :

The International Commission on Microbiological Specifications for Foods does not recommend routine testing of milk products for Clostridium botulinum spores, but testing for other microbes, such as sulfite-reducing clostridia (limit 100 cfu/g) may be useful as indicators of process control and sanitation



Destruction of Botulinum Toxin by Milk Bacteria (journalofdairyscience.org)



Milk is the raw material for cheese!

If I haven't got Clostridium botulinum, where could it come from?

Clostridium botulinum is prevalent in land flooded with salt water or flooded in polluted water. I can see where poisoning occurred in herbs originating from Bangladesh. You can still buy Authentic Bangladeshi herbs and spices online, even Noori and Neem. You can not buy Chives, they come from the Netherlands and Belgium



Bearing in mind my smallholding is 100M above sea level and 5 miles from the coast. The nearest river is 7 miles away and 90M below. We are the highest farm on this part of the moor; all water runs off the property not onto it. We do not feed Silage. In the winter we feed Hay, Straw, oats and barley, Not fishmeal. We use only milk produced on the farm, and do not buy in stock. When we run out of milk we stop making cheese. The quality of the milk is more important than the quantity. If I am at risk of Clostridium botulinum, so is every farm in Britain.

Every cheese in the supermarkets would be boiled to 90c and have added salt. The Government is trying to reduce salt in the diet, contrary to the policy of Northumberland.



The inspector has not closed me down. I have a 5 hygiene rating. The inspector is ensuring my product can no longer compete in the trading environment, Why?



There are three possible reasons:

1 The department is short staffed. The department can no longer reach the target of one routine inspection every 18 months. This will affect bonus payments. Targets and bonuses are not the best way to improve efficiency. It creates a hostile environment, short cuts and risk taking. Banks used bonuses, and Ofsted used Targeting.

2 Covering your back. With ultimate authority, no responsibility, staff become unconsciously incompetent. Alarmed at anything new or unfamiliar, and just want it to go away. It is difficult for an inspector dealing with someone who knows their subject.

3 Corruption



Some suggestions.

1 You can not have each council setting different rules. Food safety and hygiene must be a central government responsibility. The function of safety inspections should be removed from Councils



2 Authority can not be exercised without responsibility. Any targets for closing down and litigation should be cancelled. Staff should concentrate on improvement, greater safety, informative, and advice, not threats.



3 malpractice, if managers are overwhelmed and unable to supervise staff efficiently, each inspected property should be sent a generic questionnaire a month after inspection. Questions should include, have you made any changes, were the changes highlighted by the inspector in the inspection report. Did you sign the inspection report to agree to the changes? The form should be anonymous. The other alternative is 2 body cameras, one for the inspector and one for the client. The client body camera to be sent to a monitoring facility not the inspector. Anomalies reported to the head of department, (10% check would be sufficient to deter malpractice.)



4 unconsciously incompetent staff. This is normally dealt with by new challenges, sideways physical move, or training. (Knowledge, skills and attitude are inadequate). An educationalist should be consulted, and appropriate training given. A trendy management course run by chums is not appropriate. A peer review by an organisation with a proven track record of legal inspections would prove helpful. Ofsted should not be considered, where an inspection left a well liked head teacher fearing loss of livelihood committed suicide . If the above are not cost effective, Hire and fire.



5 Risk assessments. HACCP is an example of the Peter Principal. An administrator promoted to a managerial role they are not suitable for. To justify their position they change things radically, constantly call for reports, focus groups and meetings. The food safety agency is burdened with the concept of Critical points (procedures and protocols) not risk, hazards, occurrence and remedy. The specialist cheesemaker's risk assessment is the blueprint for a risk assessment by HACCP. I watched in amazement how the inspector, trying to emphasize a point, struggled to find what they wanted, Not just once. This document has a contents list, glossary, index, and appendices. Yet still difficult to use as a working document. You will not get assistance or ease of reading from a small producer.

Risk assessments like emergency planning must have a working document, easy to use, that clearly defines tasks, responsibilities and actions taken. In the mid 80's I was promoted to a new job. One of the first tasks was to review the 270 page emergency plan. The Chief Constable for Devon and Cornwall John Alderson, asked for all emergency plans to be one side of an A4 sheet, 2 at the most.

Emergency plans in those days were Shakespearean waffle. Information could not be found easily, and more concerned with blurring responsibly and obfuscation. The Emergency control room was a library of plans. What was needed was a sheet of A4 for each organisation, easy to amend, simple to read, with a clear decision pathway. Risk assessments were the same, easy to read generic form ( a working document). Since then we have drifted back to waffle and obfuscation, more pages equals a better risk assessment. Inspectors unable to read or understand the procedure will call for a simpler form to be included, and like topsy it will grow out of control. Most information in the risk assessment is duplication. This obsession with procedure and protocols did not stop an outbreak of e.coli in a Lancashire cheese plant. The HACCP risk assessment needs to be scrapped and totally rethought, However as a petty administrator's brain child it is never going to happen. The only safe way forward is to separate the HACCP from the routine inspection risk assessment. The HACCP is created and updated as changes occur. It would have to be signed off by the client and the council. A generic risk assessment identifying risk, hazards, occurrences, remedial action, further action required and by whom to be created. This will probably be about 3 pages, easy to use, time saving and gives more time for the inspector to interview, and inspect. It will free up time pre and post inspection, the department may even be able to reach the 18 month inspection target.



6 make up your mind as a council. You can not be supporting local business, at the same time as making trading impossible.



There are two ways of securing food security. One is a few mechanised mega farms and mega food factories. The other way is small production, loads of them.

If a problem occurs with a mega farm or factory the outcome is massive food shortage, panic buying and riots.

If a small producer has a problem, others will be able to take up the slack.

All brutal revolutions started with food riots

Northumberland was renowned for artisan small food producers, It is becoming a county known for dream catchers and bangles.

I have told you, so you are official warned, as your inspectors like to say

D Goggin

Blue House Goats

Sunday, December 24, 2023

custody list



The duty custody Sargent

looked down at the list

of all the respected profession

that drove when they were pissed.

Knowing the driving licence

will be sadly missed





The duty staff are knocking doors

bearers of sad news

loved ones killed by driving drunks

or were drug abused

leaving Christmas shattered

distraught and so confused





drinks companies advertise well

a paper double spread

all the joys of drinking

not the lives destroyed or dead

violent drunks fill the casualty wards

looking for a bed

what a father had for Christmas


You want the things your father had

when he was a boy

although all food was nutritious

he didn't have a toy

all folk of working age

had pensionable employ





Each family had a dentist

doctors called out at night

you were paid when you were sick

you didn't have to fight

the friendliest of optician

always saw you right





all shops , clubs and pubs closed

all of Christmas day

winter sales were in January

for the pounds that got away

families played silly games

or went out to play


AI for cards





Using AI for Christmas cards

programmed to do rhyme

with predictive text

completing every line

It's so labour saving

bound to save some seconds

crofters presents





The crofter has his Christmas presents

same as last year

he dropped hints of new welly boots

and ovies from John Dere.

If he had just what he used the most

life would be so fine

so he'll get a roll of duck tape

a knife and bailer twine

Santa has a list?





Santa has got a list

from farmers in a drought

another list from those in flood

that need help bailing out





this year he will be helpful

already made a start

stock sent off for slaughter

fetched a good price at the mart





all seeds will germinate

and growing season benign

Barley will be malting grade

and easy to combine





of course there is no Santa Claus

and no farmers believe

just some greedy bankers

laughing up their sleeve