ken

the feminist are pleased with Barbie
different colour shape and size
but there is still just one Ken
that they can idolise

there is even Ken the oil rich Sheikh
with Barbie in a burka
Ken the Merchant banker
sales rep, and factory worker

ken with car and caravan
Ken with car and boat
No ken with pitch folk in hand
mucking out the goat

So where is the Farming Ken
in clarty wellie boots
with a mobile phone in the top pocket
of his John Deere boiler suit

there's just Ken the rich important chap
a sophisticated charmer
no Ken up to his eyes in debt
as a struggling hill farmer

a crofters prayer

may it stop raining
and there be no drought
let all the seed I planted
germinate and sprout
and may there not be any
slugs and snails about

may feet not get foot rot
overgrown or scold
may all the bucks and cockerels
do as they're bloody told
and may I make a profit
before I'm sick and old

may the fences stay intact
and no breaks appear
may all the lambs stay inside
at least one day a year
and may all the flying pigs
have perfect landing gear

farmers dating site

Jim brown the farmers son

can no longer go to town

so little chance of romance

or any future farmer Brown


Told to use the internet

but do it right

don't get fooled by scammer

on the internet dating site


He found a site, he liked the look

for rural country folk

but all the girls were townies

thought farming was a joke



then he saw a profile

the photograph concealed

said she had a horse

and a twenty acre field


said she liked book keeping

just love farm accounts

said she wants a helping hand

when from her horse dismounts



he wrote he'd like to meet her

if she has no other takers

and could she sent a photograph

of the twenty acres

fishing

In my distant childhood

behind my dad I trod

heading for the local stream

with a fishing rod


Never really caught much

but not a total disgrace

bringing home the minnow

Perch, Rudd, and Dace


time to hunter gather

now with covid austerity

break out the old fishing rod

and get a fish for tea


trekking up and down the stream

to the spot of my past

time to show my prowess

with a giant cast


the cast was disappointing

but it was my first try

then I remembered those wise words

to cast long you must cast high


each cast getting higher

hook arcing through the sky

tonight's tasty fish supper

will be starling and magpie

hill farmers prayer

Oh dear lord its me the farmer

down on my knees to pray

this time its not the weather

but I have some bills to pay


bills for the corn merchant

the banks overdraft demand

first it's BEXIT then it's Covid

they don't seem to understand


Sadly I know I that I must

send some stock off for slaughter

the lamb is now fully grown

the one owned by my daughter


the government has helped others

getting paid to do nowt all day

busy harvesting and bailing

only rain will cause delay


so please help this uphill farmer

until the wool cheque is in my hand

I may only put pennies in the collection

but I really need a couple of grand

Teviot smoke house

We are going to miss the smiles

the helpful cheerie folk

the cafe, the water gardens

and the products that you smoke




you were a welcome day out

for tourist and the old

the walk along the river bank

and warm cafe when it's cold




for all the staff and families

that did more than just serve

we hope have some good luck

and the happiness you deserve

lamming

Doors slammed shut with quite a sound
Children scattered for miles around
Sheep dogs scampered for their box
The only winner the hungry fox
.
Another lamming season in the hills
Where natures cares not who it kills
Favourite ewes and trusted friends
In cold heath land meet bitter end
.
Wives scatter or on best behaviour
Wishing all twins as the family saviour
Colostrum in bottles temperature right
Awake in the byre all through the night
.
Eye bags sagging deep and low
The sleepless shepherd to the pub will go
With other shepherds time is spent
Boasting lamming rates of hundred percent