Being British

The easiest way to prove you are British is with a Passport. To obtain a passport requires patience. Patience is the art of being British.


HOW TO APPLY FOR A PASSPORT


A form can be obtained from your local passport office. (LOCAL), is a term used by the Passport office to mean a facility or building up to 120 miles from your home. Nearby denotes a facility from 250 to 600 miles i.e. Inverness is nearby London. Most big cities will have a passport office, so if you live outside London the passport office is nearby i.e. London. Although London is well served with an office, city dwellers don't need to use it, as a cheapish passport can be obtained from most street vendors, in what ever name you are currently using. ON LINE You can go online to obtain a form and fill in the details. Most form applications cost around £300.00 from the search engine top hits. If you press next to around page 64 you will find the UK Government passport application page. It is free to apply for a form but the passport will obviously cost, and not just time. The government web page should only crash half a dozen times during your time on line but could be more during busy periods i.e. daylight hours 365 days a year. Frustrated with the online experience and with a new Nigerian General as a friend, you could try the post office.


APPLICATION THROUGH THE POST OFFICE


The Post Office supplies a local service to its customers. A local post office can normally be reached within a return distance of 50 miles. Not all Post offices are equipped to handle passport applications but all have the application forms. The forms are not available in a convenient rack where any toe rag can access them. You have to prove you are serious in wanting an application, which can only be accessed through one of the counter staff. The counter staff are protected from the public by a grill there is a space below to slide money under. Money, is not small change, but notes. To ensure the cashier can receive them correctly they should be pushed through one at a time the grill is too low for a finger to fit under, so great care must be taken. To ensure you can complete this manoeuvre to a satisfactory standard you can practice page feeding a Hewlett Packard printer, the frustration achieved, can be vented in the comfort of your own home, not at the Post Office counter.


PROOF OF IDENTITY A passport proves you are you. It will have a photograph of you in it. So you need to get a passport photograph. A passport photograph can be obtain from a handy coin operated kiosk normally situated in a local large supermarket or shopping arcade. The large supermarket is known as local if it located within an eighty mile return journey. The term convenient (which it obviously isn't) is for a supermarket in excess of an eighty mile return trip. You can not pre-book the photograph kiosk so have to make the journey on the off chance that it is working, switched on, and not in use as an illegal drugs dispensary by the resident collectors of Anti Social Behaviour Orders. On that extremely rare occasion that you do get to use the kiosk for the purpose intended, you must not smile. This should not be difficult, as until now you would have have nothing to smile about. Wearing sombre clothing and not smiling you should look like a police photo-fit picture on the police most wanted list. On the plus side people that know you would never recognise you from the picture, However you have to persuade them that Al Capone, is really you, and they should sign the photograph stating it is a true likeness, or they will wake in the morning, with the severed head of their favourite pet.


THE RETURNED PASSPORT


if you have completed the procedure correctly, submitted the appropriate forms in good time your passport should arrive by post a few weeks after the planned flight. On rare occasions it will arrive prior to your intended journey, by minutes. Being totally stressed out, when starting your holiday, means that nothing further on the holiday can upset you. Staying next to a building site or staying the same week as two stag parties and four hen nights will be we within your updated comfort zone.


There are of course forgeries, but you can always tell a true Brit. They will be the ones with a black expired UK passport. Being British they can not be bothered with the replacement procedure. They will not be able to travel abroad, but are content to soak up the fleeting sun on Cambois beach in waterproof clothing. Although still in the UK they will have the British tea bag in an inside pocket or handbag. That is truly being British!

public art

The ancient planning chairman

said that they should start

with the nutter of a Druid

with his local public art


the Druid had been there before

and some committee men he knew

so his second circular installation art

 he named the thing O2


he even brought a model

for comment and inspection

but he didn't see much enthusiasm

so suspected a rejection


this art he said is for display

for culture and enjoyment

and all the stones needed

will increase local employment


the committee began to warm at this

but with health and safety fears

demanded workers had stone capped sandals

and protection for the ears


the Druid saw some interest

curiosity had won

so he explained the building aim

and what was to be done


stone quarried from far and wide

would be brought to the site

then placed in a circle

before standing them upright


then when they were quit steady

and did not need a prop

the remaining quarried stones

would be placed on top


from fifty thousand oxen

they would take the hide

stitched together it would cover

everything inside


the Druid liked it to a large pimple

or and inflated female breast

more a like large carbuncle 

said a planner less impressed


the large capping stones

was a clear health and safety hitch

so the Druid suggest he could dig

a safe excluding ditch


Sadly the plans were past

and after the opening ceremony

there was a large hole in the funding

and the canopy


so when the gales blew from the sea

as happens this time of year

the canopy blew clean away

and some stones disappeared


now O2 is called Stonehenge

an architectural monstrosity

but to us mere modern mortals

an ancient curiosity

GM Beans

I use to love my baked beans
and gobbled them with glee
until a nutter in a white coat
modified genetically

he gave the pod a fluffy goat
and large doleful eyes
they made each pod bigger
about small dog size

if you touch the pod 
you can hear it purr
or it will give a bark
if that's what you prefer

it cries when it gets too wet
and shouts when too dry
and shakes with joy and merriment
when fertilizer you apply

when it comes to harvest time
and the bean is mature
you have to cut them quickly
or their curses you'll endure

I've baked beans in the cupboard
and I know it's just a dream
I still shake before I open them
to check if there's a scream

the lottery winner

 the lottery winner

This is for all who like me desire to go Crofting / smallholding / farming

Farmer Brown had such a surprise

With his first lottery, he won first prize

Six million pounds, they had to present

So off to the studios, the whole family went

Tell me said the presenter, with informal chat

The prize money you won, are you happy with that

Brown gave a nod, but did not uttered a sound

The presenter smiled, seeking help, looking round

So how will you spend it. he said with a frown?

Silence. is all that came from farmer Brown

You could buy a new tractor, you’ll need one of those

New furniture, and wardrobes, for the wife's new clothes

Sell up and holiday. buy a new farm in the sun

Buy a combined harvester, you must need one

How about new stock. a new bull for the cows

Some Deer, ostriches, new boar for the sows

Have house extension, new barns, and new byres

Fit central heating, swimming pool, or fancy log fires

The family went into discussion, and when it was done

Brown announced, we’ll carry on farming, until it’s all gone

Dentist Fankincense

DENTIST FRANKINCENSE

Dentist Frankincense sitting
 In his lavatory reflecting
Thought he’d build an assistant
From spare body parts collecting
He had the legs of Cyd Charisse
Right up to the thighs
Lips of Marilyn Monroe
And Bette Davis eyes
Had the hair of Mae West
And thought about some more
Her chest was far too big
To satisfactorily store
All body part in Sterodent
Well kept and observed
It seem to keep them fine
Clean and well preserved
.
Time had come for him to stitch
Put all parts in place
He had to work nimbly
Although there was no race
Harnessing the power 
Of a passing storm cloud
There came a crash of thunder
So frighteningly loud
The spare parts of the monster
Breathed and gave a stir
He was so pleased with his work
He called his monster Myrrh
He would have to dress her
Give feminine attire
He said she looked good in rags
That typical male liar
.
Him and Myrrh went out at night
In shop windows nosing
Then they found an open store
Just as it was closing
At the perfume counter
The shop assistant quivers
Looking at the stitching
Thinking it’s Joan Rivers
Fainting when she smelt her 
The smell of death alive
Myrrh helped her self to buckets of
Channel number five


.
A TV show producer 
On his nightly walk
With his hooded eyes and fangs
To Myrrh he had to talk
There was something about her face
Her smile and well toothed grin
She looked like a composite of stars
A formula that could win
Myrrh is now a chat show star
She is a dead ringer
Getting higher ratings
Than near death Jerry Springer
What of poor old Frankincense
Still collecting parts alas
So let it be a warning
If offered an injection or gas

a question of 'orns

The agricultural college agreed
To allow the field trip to proceed
The farm to visit chosen at random
Farmer Brown was sent a memorandum


.Students arrived full of good cheer
Some I admit still worse for beer
In their smart trainers and anorak
With designer labels on the back


Farmer Brown not use to talking
Mumbled and pointed while he was walking
The students were such learned folk
At his lack of science they had to joke


They questioned him on expected yield
Fertility ratios of the field
Bacteria build up and worm rotation
And of Penicillin resistance formation


The students now given the head
Paid little attention to what Brown said
The field trip becoming grim and dreary
Talking to the arrogant of theory

To engage in conversation denied
The helpful student questions tried
Said one student can you tell to me
Why that cow has no horn that I can see

Said Brown with a twinkling eye
‘orns is ‘ard subject, but I’ll try
Some cows ‘as ‘orns that grow out
So they can waggle um about

Some ‘as ‘orns that go right you know
Some go left and some won’t grow
Some has ‘orns of different size
Some up some down towards their eyes

Some ‘orns are thick some are thin
Explanations I’ll not know where to begin
That ‘orn less cow I know of course
‘Cos that cow’s me bloody ‘orse

gourmet Britain

Gourmet Britain!

Nothing defines a gourmet lifestyle like purchasing prowess. The British if nothing else are dedicated shoppers. They avidly read all labels and take note of all E numbers, although not caring what they do, or what they are. They always check on the country of origin, although “Buy one get one free” and “reduced to clear” are not officially recognised as independent countries by the United Nations. (Nanny sate NIMBYism )

Buying British is important but free trade should not be overlooked, and can be ethically beneficial. Equal importance is thus give to UK goods as to the intergalactic republic of Saturn and Jupiter.

Quality marks

Britain is a nation of animal lovers and are environmentally concerned. This is why stringent rules and regulations exist in the UK to ensure animals and crops are farmed ethically and compassionately.

To ensure the public are aware of the high standards various making systems exist. For example the red tractor means expensive, compassion in farming -very expensive, and Organic, don't be daft put it back. All products bearing these markings will remain on the supermarket shelves indefinitely until trumped with a large yellow label clearly stating “Reduced to clear.”

High street vs Supermarkets

The high street is for charity shops, bookmakers, banks, and loan sharks.

Supermarkets is where you buy everything.

It is true years ago there were independent shops selling vegetables, meat, fish, clothes, and groceries. Now this is done by the supermarkets. Supermarkets do no serve the public, they make profit for shareholders. Shareholders compete with other shareholders for market domination. This is called a price war. Price wars are what consumers want and need. During these wars, prime steak can be cheaper than Spam, dairy products cheaper than water, and alcohol cheaper than screen wash.

Innovation is the weapon of the price war. Dairy products can not be sold unless in the shape of a teddy bear, or cheese in strings.

Footfall is vitally important in price wars. The footfall of customers coming into the supermarket indicates how effective price wars can be. The footfall of producers leaving the supermarkets indicates short sighted the profit margin can be.

Vegetables

all supermarkets have fresh fruit and vegetables near the entrance. The waste of fruit and vegetables is phenomenal. Vegetables mature and rot at differing rates. It is a perceived fact that the conversion of vegetable starch into sugar reaches it optimum 4 seconds before the fruit rots. The pursuit of this 4 second fruit Nirvana is all consuming. This is why shoppers head straight for the reduced to clear rack to gain a march on the Nirvana moment. Refrigerators throughout the UK are full of sprouting, mouldy, slimy, fruit, and vegetables that have just past the Nirvana by a second or two.

Meat and Fish

All meat and meat products are hygienically wrapped in disposable wrapping. It is essential this wrapping is disposed of safely. You would not want a child to eat the wrapping as they would have difficulty in discerning the plastic wrapping from the plastic meat. The packaging informs you if the meat is Dry cured, air cured, brined, smoked, hung, beaten or just neglected. It doesn't mention taste, Why should it if there isn't any.

Fish can be sold even if the eyes are dull and there is a strong smell of ammonia providing a reduced to clear label is firmly attached.

Labels and allergens

some people have allergies to certain foods. These can be life threatening, so it is important the food is labelled correctly. This does not mean that labels should be boring and uninteresting. Products containing Whey can be written in Portuguese or Serbo Croat, to stimulate the British linguistic skills.

At present there is little opposition to the domination of the supermarket. Attempts have been made to promote grow your own. This would mean dirty hands broken nails, and looking at snails.

The alternative is Farmers markets. Isn't that what they do abroad?

Fresh fruit and vegetables, meat and dairy products sold by the producer. All food tasty, and traceable, with the ability to talk to the producer about keeping, handling and how to cook.

I doubt if it will take off, just because they do it in the rest of the world is no reason the British should follow suit. After all Britain is a gourmet country.