a case of coats

It was an unusual warm day in down town Ashington, a community overheated could mean trouble. I know, my name is Tuesday, Joe Tuesday, and I'm a cop, or at least a community support assistant, I wear a uniform, and I walk these mean streets.

“Get yur size ten footies in my office noo.” It was my Sargent on the radio. He has a way with words, grade C GCSE English.

The office was small and bulging with paper work. It would be, it use to be the store cupboard, but with police cutbacks, the offices had been sold off, to a call centre, dealing in debt management. Every department now shares the Sargent's Office, formerly the store cupboard

“See this form, another questionnaire from the home office, about the increase in theft of luxury overcoats.”

“What's a luxury overcoat Sarge?”

“Don't ask me,” said the Sargent “I divent come from Rothbury. We have had no reports of any thefts of overcoats luxury or otherwise, anywhere in the district. Our police commissioner wants to know why, and what are we covering up.”

“We are covering nothing up, we don't use overcoats, so can't cover anything.”

“Don't play the smarty arse with me Tuesday, get oot and find out. I want an answer on my desk buy Wednesday, Tuesday. Not Thursday, Tuesday, Wednesday, no delay with this one.”

The pressure was on but where to start? Then I remembered seeing a poster on the Metro of some totty draped over a land-rover, with gun dogs at her feet. Slung over her left shoulder was a Burberry coat. How do I remember that? If the coat hadn't been so well placed you would have seen the cleavage. Any spoilsport advertising gets remembered. Then I remember Barbour, we have two manufacturers in the North East that could be involved in selling coats. Poor sales could mean drastic action. I thought I'd give them a call.

I tied the police bike to the car park railings, and eventually led to the Managers office. The office was big, big enough for the whole of Northumbria Police if subdivided.

“Hello.” he said “I'm Maraduke Whorsley Hesketh-Jones, How may I help you.” His English was so crisp clean and precise, just like a Middle Eastern despotic Dictator. But then they probable went to the same school, it didn't mean he was involved in illegal immigration, or did it.

“Good of you to see me.” I lied. “I am investigating overcoats, theft of, and lack of, in the North East. Could you tell me where you sell your overcoats?”

“We manufacture and distribute from here, to our outlets in the home counties. We have retails in Windsor, you know.”

“No I didn't know that, I didn't think there was a connection between soup and overcoats.”

“Quite, I trust you have a sense of humour?”

That looked like a loaded question so I ignored it. “ You claim that most of your coats are sold in London and the home counties?”

“Yes, we also sell to the states, Japan, China, and even the Emirates.”

“Would I be right in thinking that London is warmer than the North East, and as far as I could tell has a shortage of pheasant, grouse, and gun-dogs. So why the sales, just the facts sir ,just the facts?”

“Fashion, dear boy, fashion. It is fashionable to have a classic look. We all want a piece of Downton Abbey.”

“Let me put this past you, and see what you think. Just suppose, you sell shed loads of coats to London. Some one goes down, nicks them, then you could sell more. It is well known that Londoners have more money than sense.”

“And what would we do with the stolen coats?”

“You could sell them in Ashington market.”

“Without High Vis stripes?”

I could see his point, they were not responsible for the theft, but they didn't do badly out of them.

I was sure Ashington market was something to do with overcoats, but they were not selling them.

Just as I was leaving, I saw the model from the advert, getting out of her BMW car, wearing a short red dress. She obviously never needed to read the highway code.

“Have you finished looking down my cleavage?”

I hadn't but then I couldn't tell her that. “Don't you feel cold?” I asked her

“Born and bred in Amble why would I feel cold?”

“Just thought that with so much flesh showing you might feel the elements?”

“I thought it was Pringle waater, that's why.”

“Pringle waater, what's that?”

“No idea just something I was told when a bairn.” she said

This needed following up, I would need to consult the font of knowledge Alberto.

Alberto was sitting in his garden when I called.

“You come for the barbecue Giuseppe?”

“No Alberto I need your help with a case.”

“Always to help a the law.”

“What do you know about Pringle waater.” I asked

Alberto thought deeply. “Well my friend I no longer sell a the ice a cream so it don't a matter. You know about homeopathy?”

“Something to do with legal highs?”

“No, its to do with water. The theory is you put a drug or a poison in water, then dilute it, and dilute it, until none of the drug remains, but the water retains the drugs memory. If you give that to someone, the body recognises the water memory and reacts as if it is the drug, and helps build up immunity.”

“Spooky.”

“You know what cashmere is.”

“Posh wool.”

“Sort of, Cashmere is four times warmer than wool. Pringle was a company that used cashmere.”

“So Pringle waater?”

“Cashmere in its raw state has to be washed, the water is very dirty and can't be flushed down the drain. So Pringle hire Dontaskquestions.com to dispose of it. Dontaskquestions,com filter the water, mix it with other water and use in their blending business. Instead of buying water they are paid to have it. That water is called Pringle waater.”

“So what's so special about it?”

“No body knew at first, but Pringle waater retained the memory of cashmere. If you drunk it, your body thinks you are wearing a posh cashmere sweater, and you don't a feel the cold. Trading standards were suspicious of Dontaskquestions.com for other reasons, but the company was tipped off, they were to be raided. This gave them time to tip everything into Kielder water.”

“So?”

“Well just like homeopathy any one that drinks water from Kielder reservoir feels four times warmer than those that don't.”

“Pringle waater is still being used?”

“Before Pringle went bust they paid Dontaskquestions,com a fortune and gave them tons of the stuff which is still hidden away, scattered around the North East waiting to be filtered. Dontaskquestion.com are still in the drinks business, diluting Polish spirit into Vodka, whiskey, gin and rum, by adding flavourings. Don'taskquestions getitdownyer it's most popular brand. That's why if you go down the Big Market, any night, you'll find no one wearing anything more thermally efficient than a bra. They don't need too. They drink kielder water daily, and top it up with Dontaskquestions getitdownyer spirit when out, These funsters are really hot and the temperature of Newcastle city centre rises four degrees during the night.”

“So they don't need coats?”

“That's the thing, Dontaskquestion.com needs Polish spirit, the Poles don't trust the Euro, and think the Pound too shaky. They don't want American dollars, just in case Putin takes back Poland, so what they want is something that holds value, and can be traded.”

“Classic coats?”

“Bang on, Dontaskquestion have a semi-liggit transport company. They transport the coats from Burberry to London and the Home counties, and they find out where they are sold. They can steal them back when required. Dontaskquestion sends the coats to Poland as payment for the Polish spirit. The insurance company pays compensation to the owner of the coat to cover the loss. The customer buys a new Burberry. The insurance company raises premiums, makes more profit, which they invest in Dontaskquestion.com, every one is happy.”

“It seems to be a victim less crime.” I said, but still felt I should tell Sarge.

A week later as I was passing the Sargent's office he calls me in.

“That was a good job you did on the coats, we are proud of you lad. Action will be taken but not sure what. As a reward I have another difficult job for you.”

“I'm up for a challenge, what's the job Sarge?”

“We have had unconfirmed reports that one possibly two Westminster MP's are honest. That is, they don't fiddle their expenses, do not get hand outs from big business, do not do consultancy work while being an MP, and work only for their constituents.”

“Wow that's hard to believe.”

“I know Tuesday, but those up top want to know, preferably before the election.”

“That only gives me until May. I'll have to be working round the clock. What am I going to tell the misses. I promised her a week at Benidorm for the Easter, I wont be able to go with this work load. I can't tell her the truth, she would never believe me.”

“Well try telling her you are investigating a UK food bank for mis-selling soup coupons, that might work.” said the Sargent