Birthright

“I Sean Rafferty the fourth. 2.1 leprechaun fifth class (failed) claim my birthright.”

“Sean Rafferty the fourth.2.1 means.” asked the Judge

“My grandfather was the fourth Sean Raffery. There were twelve in all, but he was the fourth. My father was the second Sean Rafferty out of sixteen but I am the first Sean Rafferty from my father.”

“How many Sean Rafferty's does your father have.”

“There are only twelve at the moment, but I'm the first.”

“You could use another name apart from Sean?” the judge said

“We do.” said Sean

“Oh really and what name is that?”asked the Judge

“Rafferty” replied Sean

“Remind me again” said the judge “what actually is your birthright?”

“Dat I am the stupidest ting on earth, dat I am believed to have a crock of gold at the base of every rainbow, and only Irish men that have drunk fourteen pints of Guinness, on the Saturday of the 29th February, can be believed, to have seen me.”

“You surely have that.” said the judge “Stop wasting court time.”

“Dats the ting your honour, the owner of this bowler hat is stupider than me.”

“Don't be so perverse. Case dismissed. Next”

“No wait yur honour, not so hasty. Admittedly I don't have the eiijit that owns the bowler hat but I have this mortgage proposal form.”

Sean handed the proposal form to the clerk, who in turn handed it to the judges bench. The three judges studied the proposal.

“but this is a proposal from the Bank of Made up Names and Make Belief, formally HSBC.”

“That is true your honour.”

“And how, may we ask, did a fifth rate leprechaun get such a proposal. Have you ever worked in the laundry?”

“Never yur honour, I've never done an honest elves days work in my life.”

“I should hope not, can't have leprechauns speculating that they are honest. What did you do to elicit such stupidity, you surely must have played a trick, or used some sorcery?”

“No yur honour it was like this. I was hav'in a few with with the elves and fairies it being 17 of March, and I must have had a bit too much. It was hard to believe as I was only having small sips,”

“Many small sips I imagine.” Said the judge

“Well the Jamesons was two for one, the Guinness buy one get one free with triple nectar points, and the Bushmills on special with quadruple nectar points if you bought home made Irish stew. So I had a word with the cashier, swapping the bought and free ones until in the end, I ended up handing back the nectar point and the stew and taking the booze for nothing. It's what leprechauns do.”

“I assume you had small sips of what you bought, or not from the shops,”said the judge. “And the small sips added up to?”

“Just two bottles of Bushmill two bottles of Jamesons and a crate of the dark stuff.” said Sean, “well it was an elf holiday the day after.”

“I thought you leprechauns were always on holiday?”

“That's true your honour but when its an official holiday we don't have to pretend to be lazy we can do it natural like.”

“The man in the bowler?” asked the judge.

“Dats the ting, I was above ground when the sun cum up, I had no where to hide. Then I remember that new building site, for affordable homes, they were going to build for the workers of the new Chinese factory, before the recession. It's just rubble now, so I thought I'd hide among the demolished buildings, and pretend to be an unwanted gnome. I saw a piece of wood with Dunroamin on it, and an old cauldron, so I just sat between, hoping to be missed.

The the man in the bowler arrives picking over the rubbish, when I belched. Cheese and onion crisp, always makes me belch, nothing to do with the Jamesons.”

“Of course not.” said the judge.

Quick as a flash the man in the bowler sees me and the cauldron, and says that I was a leprechaun and he claims my crock of gold. Then he looks in the empty cauldron and asks if its mine. Well it was at the time because I had touched it and what a leprechaun touches automatically becomes his by default. Well he is not best pleased.”

“Well what happened?” asked the judge.

” the man in the bowler soon established the cauldron, the rubble and the land, was mine by default and he offered me a loan.”

“On what, the rubble?” asked the judge.

“ No. On the six bedroom detached bungalow, swimming pool, and tennis court to be built on the site.”

“Are you expecting us to believe you will do a days work, and build a bungalow.”

“Certainly not your honour, I just has to lie that I will. It's what leprechauns do best.”

“And the man in the bowler hat owns the land right.”

“No yur honour, I own the land. I don't really, but on paper I do. And I am going to build a house. He gives me the money for that, with a mortgage. I can then buy gold, to give to him as forfeit.”

“where does the money come from?”

“The bank yur honour, only not from the bank because the money is dirty.”

“It has stains?”

“No you honour, I wish you'd keep up. The money belongs to the Mafia and terrorist, but they are not suppose to have it, as it is all in cash not cheques. So the bank has to lend it out to get rid of it. So I have the money, or the man in the bowler has the gold.”

“But you don't earn money, how can you pay it back?”

“Ten percent of the money I am suppose to get, pays insurance for non payment to the bank. The loan is now an asset. If they bundle it with other assets, they become a security, and securities can be traded as derivatives, on the market.”

“No one is going to be that stupid to buy money, and assets, that don' exist. I just can not believe you it could never happen.”

“Fred Goodwin RBS your honour.” said the clerk

“OK one off, RBS.”

“Lehman Brothers.” said the clerk

“OK maybe Lehman as well but no one else.”

“Northern Rock, Merrill Lynch, Goldman Sachs,”

“Point taken.” said the judge “So why Sean, did he tell you this.”

“Because I asked him, and if I agreed, and knew, I wouldn't tell any one else.”

“That's disgraceful.” said the Judge

“But I did the right thing, I told him I was an undercover finance reporter.” said Sean

“What did he say.”

“Well he asked what paper, so I told him the Daily Mail. And he said he would have preferred it if I was from the Telegraph, but the Mail is OK. Then he took off, leaving his bowler hat behind. So the man is obviously stupid, and I thought that might endanger my birthright.”

“Did you tell any one.”

“Yes yur honour I told the fraud squad.”

“In Ireland.”

“No.”

“In the UK then?”

“No,”

“Well who did you tell?”

“I told the fraud squad in Switzerland.”

“You told the fraud squad in Switzerland, about fraud in a Swiss bank, and expect them to investigate. Your Birthright is secure, you must be the stupidest leprechaun I know. Get out and stop wasting my time.” said the judge