the unexpected

Shep barked and ran round in circles. It could only mean, some one was at the door. George Clumper stuck his feet into his Ermintrude the cow slippers and went to answer the door.

“Clumper, George?”

“Yes.”

“Sign here” said the postman

“I'm not expecting a letter.” said George

“Well you won't be disappointed it ain't a letter.” said the postman 'sa card, but then I'm not s'pose to 'ave read it.”

“What's it say.”

“'Ave to read it yur sen. Hope you 'ave a good day doon Soouth.”

“Well, well” said George reading the card “I'm to be Prime Minister for the day on 27^th February.”

He looked at the calender, lambing was not due until 21^st March, so he thought it would be OK.

Two weeks later George had a telephone call. He was expecting that, because the card said he would get one.

“Clumper, George Angus.”

“Yes.”

“Do you know your date of birth?”

“yes thank you.” replied George

“Could you tell me your date of birth?”

“Do you know my date of birth?”

“Yes.”

there was an unhelpful silence as George tried to work out why some one that knew his date of birth wanted George to tell him.

“It's a security question.”

“what is?”

“Your date of birth.”

“Well it can't be very secure if you know it.”said George.

The civil servant realised this was not going to get much further. He dispensed with normal security.

A car will pick you up on 26^th February. Take with you an overnight bag. You will be transported to 15 Armistice Avenue, a bed and breakfast, where you will spend the night. A car will pick you up and take you to 10 Downing Street at 0800 on the 27^th . Do you have any questions?”

“Do I have to buy an ermine cloak?”

“No that is for the House of lords, you will just be the Prime Minister, a suit will do.”

“Ooh dear a suit, the one I wears for funerals, will that do? If it's real special I could use me white dairy wellies.”

“Shoes, black. Are appropriate.”

“Black rigger boots will they do?”

The civil servant was not expecting it to be so difficult, but that's the problem with elections you never know what tosser will actually get the job.

15 Armistice Avenue, was, very clean. There was no straw on the carpets, until George arrived. They were not expecting Shep, but where George goes the sheep dog goes. A Quick roll on the carpet, a scratch, and a nose wipe on all the furniture made Shep feel at home. When Shep felt at home so did George. The kitchen was small, no place for a wellie rack. It was the first time he'd seen a cooker without a compartment to dry wet lambs. Breakfast was reasonable but strange. Bacon from Denmark, Butter from France, eggs from god knows where, they didn't have a lion on them. Shep enjoyed his sausages although they had Chinese writing on them and Lincolnshire was spelt wrong. The tea was Indian, coffee from Brazil and sugar from Cuba.

The car arrived on time. A Bentley, made by a German company, and driven by an Irish chauffeur. The police bodyguard was Scottish, from Kelso, to make him feel at home.

He was met by the Cabinet Secretary who showed him into his office for the day.

“Well what's the craic?” asked George

“If sir is asking what happens today, well nothing much, sir.” said the Cabinet Secretary. “I shall explain a few protocols to you. First the red phone.”

“Ah,” said George “Talk to the Americans.”

“No sir its to...”

“Talk to the Ruskies?”

“No it..”

“Chinese.”

“If sir will stop interrupting its to talk to Nanny.”

“Nanny,”

“Of course sir Nanny, Nanny knows everything, Nanny is in charge, just like when you were young.”

“I never had a Nanny when I was young just dogs, and lambs.”

“The Cabinet Secretary was horrified, something had gone wrong with the election, but then it was only for the day, what possibly could go wrong?”

The Cabinet Secretary thought it was the worst thought out plan politicians had ever come up with. In an endeavour to be close to the people and make politics meaningful, it was decided that the politicians would be elected as normal, but the Prime Minister would be elected for a day randomly from the electoral role. They would not have any real power, just shake hands with people, and read speeches to the press, what could go wrong? George being elected, went wrong.

“ So when do I get to meet the President of America?”

“Sir doesn't.” said the Secretary “the Queen meets heads of state, Foreign Secretary meets ambassadors, Home Secretary meets police, Health Secretary Doctors, and the Chief Whip politicians. You could meet the press with your press secretary if you wished?”

“can I see the House of Commons?” asked George

“You can enter if you wish.”

“I'd like that.” said George.

The MP's were pleased to see George. Most Prime Ministers just sat around the cabinet table reading minutes and signing off red boxes. George thought it looked like a cattle mart and acted like the auctioneer.

“Whoo want tea” Asked George “do I have an aye, one aye, two, three, any more ayes. Sugar, one aye, two, three. Milk, one aye two, three. Clause two, one aye, two three, four.” before they knew what hit them the MP's had voted on clause two, that the present Prime Minister be elected for life.

George returned to 10 Downing Street and picked up the red phone.

“Is that chief Nanny.”

“Who's calling?”

“George Clumper, Prime Minister for life, and I don't like the way things are being done. Either things have to change or I get rid of all nannies.”

“Oh yes I can, you have been trying to get rid of farmers for years. Now its payback time. I want the average smallholders pay to rise. We are fed up with being paid minus eleven pounds a year for a 60 hour week with no holidays. What I want is, to be able to go into a shop and be able to afford, British sausages, bacon, eggs, milk, wheat. Oats, rape seed oil, Scottish beef, Welsh lamb, a coats and hats of British wool, and boots of British leather. I want farm workers to be able to live near their farms in affordable housing . I want two extra holidays per year, one in July for sheep dog trials and one in November for ploughing competitions. I shall be returning to the croft for lambing and if you don't make changes for the good of the crofters we will get rid of the Nanny state.”

The phone went dead. the Nannies had not expected that.