why do?

Why do they look symmetrical?

When view from afar

How do you keep a two pound mass?

In a one pound jar?

How do you fight gravity?

And keep all from sagging

And still managed to keep in shape

Without a ton of lagging

.

How do you bury the ending?

The bit that’s sticking out

How come they don’t escape

When swinging arms about

How do you keep them level?

When one wants to droop

Why do you walk so upright?

Without a perpetual stoop

.

With wire underneath

And catches you can not reach

Fabric made so flimsy

At the sides the flesh will breach

Fascinating observations

The science is bizarre

Why on earth did women

Let men invent the bra

supermarket song

Off to the supermarket

as its getting late

try to pick a bargain

while the brand match is in date

looking down the fresh meat isle

for quail and venison joints

a meat I never get to eat

but has triple nectar points

Buy one, buy two

get the third fecker free

there's no such thing as a bargain

with brand match guarantee

at the fresh fish counter

try something new it says

some halibut or caviare

that's been there for days

they’ll skin it and behead it

it won't take a jiffy

so you can leave the counter smiling

with basket very niffy

Buy one, buy two

get the third fecker free

there's no such thing as a bargain

with brand match guarantee

at the canned food counter

some labels have come loose

so it's ten pence for a brace of cans

of either apple sauce or goose

the aim is to cut the cost

and keep affordable the bill

the cans may be of dog food

but the bargain is the thrill

Buy one, buy two

get the third fecker free

there's no such thing as a bargain

with brand match guarantee

 

at the checkout conveyor

disposable bags are thrown

as cheap skate fecking men

never bring there fecking own

your face is turning scarlet

embarrassment her plan

the bags easy for women to open

are designed and made by a man

Buy one, buy two

get the third fecker free

there's no such thing as a bargain

with brand match guarantee

the nectar card is swiped

you hand tokens and you wait

as she shakes her head dismissively

as they're all out of date

you've spent over seventy pounds

more than you wanted to

but you've brand match for a penny

and triple nectar points are due

Buy one, buy two

get the third fecker free

there's no such thing as a bargain

with brand match guarantee

delivery

The dialled number it is ringing

The promising of start

Soon I hear that angelic voice

Quelling my doubtful heart

It should have arrived yesterday

On that we both agree

Just one of life’s conundrums

A true life mystery

It may arrive tomorrow

Is that a bit too soon?

Will be in the morning time

Or late that afternoon?

We do not know the delivery time

Can you confirm you’re in?

Of course I will and be all day

To go out is a sin

The dialled number it is ringing

The promising of start

Soon I hear that angelic voice

Quelling my doubtful heart

changing the bank

fed up with begging letters

and the service less than frank

I'll do what the government says

and try to switch my bank

you can do it very easy

the task is a delight

said the comments from the eejits

on the comparison web site

bogged down in a jiffy

everything stuck on hold

because I tried to enter something

before the prompt I was told

dissolution and dejected

to give up I was prone

till I saw that you could do it

in comfort on the phone

pressing one and pressing two

not forgetting hash

listening to some musak

repetitive droning trash

then I got a human

but was speechless with a cough

she said hello twice quickly

and then she cut me off

dejected and frustrated

I went out for a walk

and entered the local bank

to a human I could talk

a person came up to me

with a cheerie how do you do

said see all those people there

that’s the bloody queue

I joined the queue and waited

for cashier one or two

at last at the iron grill

the cashier lowered a sign

this cashier is closing

please join the other line

at last I saw a human

not a helpful chap

sat in a stuffy sub office

with papers on his lap

I said I'd like to change my bank

I thought I saw him grin

I said I have some savings

I'm willing to put in

He asked me if I want a loan

to buy something rash

they don't need more money

as the government gives them cash

I must surely need a new car

and estate or new sedan

or some more insurance

or the latest funeral plan

I said that I had changed my mind

trying to be polite

I'll stick my money under the mattress

and sleep soundly every night

Billy Goats Gruff

Three billy goats Gruff complained that there was not enough fresh weeds in the field.

The farmer not understanding bleat language, ignored them.

Big Billy Goat Gruff said “We can either go over that bridge into the farmers neighbours field or trash the farmers fencing.”

So they trashed the farmers fencing.

Next day they were still hungry so Big Billy Goat Gruff said “We can either go over that bridge into the farmers neighbours field or trash the farmers back door and spoil his brand new kitchen.”

So they trashed the back door and spoiled the kitchen

Next day they were still hungry so Big Billy goat Gruff said “We can either go over that bridge into the farmers neighbours field or starve to death and bleat continuously.”

Little Billy Goat Gruff asked “ Why can't we go across the bridge and get some food?”

“Because,” said Big Billy Goat Gruff “ that would be sensible and sensible is not in a goats job description.”

Middle Billy Goat Gruff said “why don't we vote on it?”

“What” said Big Billy Goat Gruff “If you have a referendum every time some one wants something, You'll be for ever voting, and never get time to eat. I have decided that Little Billy Goat Gruff should go over the bridge because he is always complaining.

Little Billy Goat Gruff went trip trap, trip trap, over the rickety bridge. When half way across up popped a troll.

“who is trip trapping over my bridge?”

“I” said Little Billy Goat Gruff. “I'm going to that lush pasture over the bridge.”

“This is my bridge and no one crosses it unless they pay.”

“I don't have any money, so I can't pay wont pay.”

“Then I shall have to eat you.”Said the Troll

“ That wouldn't be a good idea, it being the first of December. The farmer has just filled out his stock return to DEFRA stating he has 3 goats. If you eat one he would have to file an amendment and would not be happy. He would come for you. I will come back when I am well fed. You can eat me then, I will be much tastier.”

So Little Billy Goat Gruff went trip trap trip trap over the rickety bridge.

Middle Billy Goat Gruff saw Little Billy Goat Gruff up to his belly in doc leaves and pigging out. So he decided to go over the bridge.

Middle Billy Goat Gruff went trip trap, trip trap, over the rickety bridge. When half way across up popped a troll.

“who is trip trapping over my bridge?”

“I” said Middle Billy Goat Gruff. “I'm going to that lush pasture over the bridge.”

“This is my bridge and no one crosses it unless they pay.”

“I don't have any money, so I can't pay wont pay.”

“Then I shall have to eat you.”Said the Troll

“ That wouldn't be a good idea, I have a stock movement form stating that I am due to arrive in the next field in two minutes. If I don't arrive you will have to explain to the council why I did not arrive. I see you do not have the required stock disposal form so legally you can no eat me.

If I did not arrive the Council will come for you. I will come back when I am well fed. You can eat me then, I will be much tastier.”

So Middle Billy Goat Gruff went trip trap trip trap over the rickety bridge.

Big Billy Goat Gruff saw Middle Billy Goat Gruff and Little Billy Goat Gruff pigging out on lush weeds, and said “I'll have some of that.”

Big Billy Goat Gruff went trip trap, trip trap, over the rickety bridge. When half way across up popped a troll.

“who is trip trapping over my bridge?”

“I” said Big Billy Goat Gruff. “I'm going to that lush pasture over the bridge.”

“This is my bridge and no one crosses it unless they pay.”

“I don't have any money, so I can't pay wont pay.”

“Then I shall have to eat you.”Said the Troll

“I don't think that would be a good idea.” said big Billy Goat Gruff.

The Troll shook his head, he hates paperwork, and does not want to get involved with the authorities. “you can cross the bridge if you want.” said the Troll “how can anyone make a decent living with all this paperwork. I will eat you when you come back.”

So Big Billy Goat Gruff continued walking over the rickety bridge. Big Billy Goat Gruff tripped on a loose plank, fell down, and the whole bridge fell down. When the bridge fell down so did the Troll, and he also died.

Neither the Troll nor Big Billy Goat Gruff liked paperwork so didn't do a risk assessment. Their deaths were their own fault. Middle and Little Billy Goats Gruff didn't read the sign saying “Pesticide field trials do not enter.” Both died of poisoning.

The moral of the story. Why farm when you can work for the legislators.

morish

Scar face Scarlatti's last requests was handed to the judge. Scarlatti was due for execution in the morning and it was customary to grant one last request. However requesting something that was morish was not acceptable.

The war on drugs was being won. Class A, B and C drugs were almost extinct. The battle against morish indulgences was not so easy especially Brie. Penicillium camemberti bacteria was difficult to control. Prisoners had been known to soak sponges in milk and leave in a warm place until the white mould grew. A black market of Brie culture soon sprang up in all prisons. When prisoners put the warmed culture in the ventilation shafts the prison soon became a breeding ground. If they could not control morish products in prison how could they control it in the outside world?

The government took firm action and created a Morish Czar, with overreaching powers, but not too over reaching. Every action or idea must first receive political approval. The first action was to classify morish with a system of letters, Class A the most serious included Brie, Chocolate, Cheesecake, soufflé, and gateaux. Class B, sticky toffee pudding, ice cream, and Pavlova. Class C, Hobnobs, shortbread, Dundee cake, Selkirk bannocks and Border tart.

It was a known scientific fact that morish food is responsible for obesity. Obesity is the prime cause of diabetes, stroke, heart attack, bowl cancer, IBS, and listlessness(The prime cause of unemployment). Without morish food, the food industry need not invest in fancy packaging and brand identity. Brown paper sacks can be used for all vegetables as a carrot looks just like a carrot so no need to put it in a see through wrapper.

All morish food comes from abroad, i.e. chocolate and anything French. Strict border controls have to be enforced. Anything sounding foreign should be stopped and returned to country of origin. This rule came quite handy when dealing with Nigel Farage.

A crackdown was instigated on the organisers of morish food and advertising. Jamie Oliver, Delia Smith and Mary Berry were placed in special measures. A new quango was set up Offood to investigate reports of miss selling carob and sugar substitute. A special watchdog was set up under the education department to ensure all children, no matter what age or background receive wholesome bland food in school dinners. Fortunately considerable work had already been done with school dinners to ensure a bland conformity across the board. Even schools such as Harrow and Eton have been in the forefront with sago and tapioca. The most controversial area seems to be Marmite where half the population think it is a luxury indulgence, while the other think it should be used only in prison reform.

Great strides have been taken against morish food, which only leaves the problem of Scarface Scarlatti's last meal. The judge knew it could become a precedence. Finally a judgement was made. Scarlatti would be taken to a cell and injected with heroin. He would be allowed to snort two lines of cocaine before being given a portion of mousetrap cheese. He will be so far out of it, that he will not notice, or care, that the cheese is not Brie.