Christmas greetings

No time to go out shopping

in towns covid restricted

the likes of Ebay and Amazon

will make a fortune as predicted




so in the humble croft

with shopping in decline

have to do make and mend

with last years baler twine




the wool caught on the fencing

will wash and turn to felt

to line the side for comfort

of the blue baler twine belt




looking down the present list

that want trivial tat

with some nimble plating

you think you'll make a hat




the electric fence energiser

will use for fairy light

sparking on the tinsel

with flashes blue and white




may you have hand sanitiser

enough loo rolls to last

a hope the stay safe greeting

will soon be in the past

Christmas gifts

I bought my love dagging shears
and an Opinel knife
then I asked would she be
my ever loving wife


She said I was a skinflint
and home truths were told
so can I get dagging shears
in silver or in gold?

Christmas eve

Christmas eve on the croft

life could be so sweet

filling up the rodent boxes

to give the rats a treat




parcelling up the presents

like the professionals do

but using feed sacks and baler twine

and a granny hitch or two




hints dropped for Highland Park

to see in the new years

and you need a torch for the dark

but it's going on deaf ears




hunting for decorations

that no one else will see

due to the restrictions

and good will absentee

festive dinner

Restricted family Christmas

have a dinner low in fat

may I recommenced to you

the humble farmyard rat




the foodies will be ecstatic

they'll have recipes to inspire

of all the tasty festive meals

can be collected from my byre




so bring your guns and traps

to catch rodents at large

and as it's the festive season

this year there'll be no charge

Wot no milk

 

Wot no Milk

It is that time of the year, cold hands, pink teats, and no milk, Why?

It's all to do with the short day length.

In the temperate zones we have long day periods and short day periods corresponding to winter and summer. Light enters the eye and sends a signal to the pituitary gland.

(The pituitary gland is referred to as the “master gland” because it monitors and regulates many bodily functions through the hormones that it produces, including: growth and sexual/reproductive development and function. glands (thyroid gland, adrenal glands, and gonads)

Short days it produces melatonin ( the sleep hormone). In a goat, it tightens the skin, sends less blood to the small capillary vessels near the surface. (Pink teats) The skin tightening, holds the second follicle hair in place (cashmere and Mohair) and creates the shear line in sheep wool. It also tightens the udder making it harder to store milk thus less milk. How much less? A goat that produces 1 gallon or 4.5 to 5 litres in summer will produce 0.5 to 1 litre per day, or a pint to 2 pints in the winter, Luckily this reduction in milk supply only last 4 months. When not producing milk the energy goes into producing fat on the back. This fat is used for the first 12 weeks to supply milk to the new born kid.

Most crofters use the winter for breeding, when milking has to stop 6 weeks before kidding. Ideally if you manage to kid the goat 6 weeks before the equinox, a useful amount of milk can be maintained until the day length catches up. Prior to kidding the goat is flushed with hormones like prolactin that overrides the sleep hormone.

In spring the day lengthens blood flows to the teat, which turns black and expands giving a greater supply of milk. By the longest day, milk production is at its height, and starts to fall back on 20^th July.

Humans also suffer from the short day effect. The skin tightens, cracks and takes ages to heal. No end of cream can speed up the healing process. Skin becomes pale, the body slows down and wants comfort food.

There is a cure for this, spend winter in New Zealand and Summer in the UK.

But who will break the ice on the water buckets, dig through feet of snow to feed the goats best quality hay and concentrates, just to get a squirt of milk in the dark. Some one short of funds that needs a bottle of Highland park for Christmas!

speculative building

Looking for a building plot
in the country side 

Then I found an ideal spot
and got permission with a bribe


I built a stonking mansion
to show off all my dough
down a quite muddy road
where all wild things grow


the spot was idyllic
secluded and well hidden
next to a funny spot
the farmer called a midden


the farmer seems to have woken
from his winter spell
and now uses his midden
what an awful smell


it comes in the windows
there's brown stuff on the trees
the house becomes un-liveable
with a gentle breeze



flies the size of dinner plates
coat windows and the door
never seen such monsters
in my life before


so the house is up for sale
with winter viewing slot
at a fraction of what it cost to build
in this idyllic spot

bankruptcy

he was a successful businessman
he had heard of bankruptcy
it is what happens to foolish folk
without a business degree
then he bought his daughter a pony
now sees things differently

covid hunting cheese

From Leicester to Lancaster

Cheddar and Caerphilly

is covid stalking the cheese?

A question not so silly

now it is in Northumberland

to stop it there's a pledge

as it looks for cuddy's cave

and the famous Berwick edge

it will go round in circles

which will keep it down

hunting lord Collingwood

and capability Brown

Tales from the pig sty :- animal farm

Boris and Trump in the sun

The first warming rays of sunlight, rose over Holy island. and fell on the backs of two sleeping Tamworth pigs, Boris and Trump.

“You awake?”said Boris

“Am now, I was having a tremendous dream, like you've never seen before, truly great.”

“What was it about?”

“When pigs were great again, truly great. Had their own land and a great wall.”

“I was told a story about that, pigs being great and all. They ruled the farm, had all animals working for them.”

“True story was it , no fake story, like fake news?”

“Think it was true, the humans wrote a book about it, and called it Animal Farm.”

“Was I in the story?” asked Trump

“Not sure” said Boris, but then his memory was never that great, he tended to forget things and move on.

“where was this farm?”

“Don't know?”

“Well were they Tamworth pigs, Tamworth are the greatest pigs, best ever, the world would be a better place if all pigs were Tamworth, and lived in Great Tamworthshire, like here.”

“I think this is North Northumberland.” said Boris, not wishing to argue.

“Look we are here, we are Tamworths, so this must be North Northtamworthland, because we are here.”

“If you say so Trump, you are so clever, just like Napoleon.”

“Napoleon, I'm not a goat.”

“ No not the goat, the king of pigs, in Animal farm, a real hero. The humans must have called that goat Napoleon after him. They do that sort of thing.”

“This Napoleon, Tamworth was he?”

“I think he was a large white?”

“Fake news.” said Trump

“The humans named counties after pigs, like Berkshire, Gloucester old spot, Tamworth.”

“What about the lop and middle white?”

“Obviously from Lopshire and Middleshire. Have you heard of a Whiteshire, so must be fake news.”

“Wiltshire, you know our crofter is dyslexic, so he could have spelt it wrong. Or Napoleon could have been an albino Tamworth. You have a patch of white on your side.”

“That's not white ,it's where I rub against the fence.” said Trump

“I don't think Napoleon had a wall.” said Boris

Trump stretched out blocking the suns rays from Boris.

“Breakfast is late” said Boris “Do you think anything could have happened to the crofter, what if he never turns up again, how will we get fed?”

“Stop panicking, Trust me I will summon him.” Trump gave a loud roar

Nothing happened.

“I must of roared too loud” said Trump, “we shall have to wait until the crofter has got over his fear. I roared like never before, it will be too much for him.”

“Napoleon never roared.” said Boris

“This Napoleon with no wall, what did he do.”

“He didn't need a wall because no one was there to keep him in. He could go where ever he pleased.”

“Hum” said Trump “It sounds like your Napoleon had nothing worth taking.”

“Why do you tell me to find a way out. Look for a hole in the fence. Dig under the fencing, why, if you don't want to get out.”

“This land is Tamworthshire, every one wants it, trust me. When we came here it was just weeds and grass. Now look at it, a work of art. You will not find anywhere on the croft with so many muddy wallows, upturned stones and even some boulders. What about those rusty bits of tractor, the Crofter soon recovered them. I have decided you can stop finding a way out, but must mound up the earth by the fence, build a wall. Build a pig wall like you have never seen before. It will be great, huge and bigly.”

“Napoleon ruled all the animals.”

“Yeah and did they thrive.”

“No, not really, they all worked hard and died from starvation.”

“That's why we will build a wall. We don't have the food to share with others, pigs first. We will put an embargo on all food leaving Tamworthshire. No trade agreements. Pigs first.”

“But we don't have any food. The crofter hasn't come.”

“This will be our first action, when he comes we attack, snatch all the food, show him whose boss.”

“Hear piggy piggy” shouted the crofter as he filled the feeder with juicy apples and pig nuts.

Trump and Boris fed hungrily.

When finished they came to the fence for an ear scratch.

“There, you like that don't you boys.” said the crofter rubbing behind the ears.

a man apart

He sits alone a man apart
in perfect solitary
eating of his hard tack
and supping of his tea
a man that no one speaks too
a man from Coventry


He always does his duty
never questions why
uses a Browning revolver
to place between the eye
each time he does his duty
never known to cry


from General, Sargent and corporal
to private conscriptee
no one will sit beside him
while he's supping of his tea
He's the man that shoots the horses
of the Household Cavalry

hazel

Long Twenty four years of pony club

from age to age is passed

gymkhana and a gentle hack

new owners never last



now she stands too painful to move

wet breath rasping and thin

her eyes once bright are slightly dim

skeleton shows through skin




so many summers on the moor

Winters under a rug

winter is all that lies ahead

there is no summer drug




course rough hands with heart that is warm

head collar he removes

gone are the days when head would toss

with skipping dancing hooves




Behind the wall the children stand

clenched fists and nibbling thumb

they're dreading what will happen next

so still silent and numb




the vet looks but he does not touch

the hoof or hollow chest

no need to get a stethoscope

or to do some blood test




there is no cure in his drugs case

to make it walk or trot

from the old wooden box he draws

a gun with single shot




placing upon the ragged blaze

gun cocked for last goodbye

a shot rings out, and dead meat drops

then topples to one side




legs gallop the final furlong

with trembling jerking stride

the tongue falls out with bloody breath

muscle relaxed inside




trembling to the eternal still

eyes dry to final stare

loud sobbing starts behind the wall

young riders in despair

slugs and snails

slugs and snails are increasing

no matter what we do

all the snail like barriers

we concocted and construe

so we wrote to Delia

that cookery guru

could she do a recipe

for slug and snail stew

then we might break even

by twenty sixty two

cloud cuckoo land

In cloud cuckoo land
they keep no sheep
no pigs no cows
but want food cheap
they do not plough
or tend the fields
just stocks and shares
produce a yield
all food comes cheap
form over seas
so they don't need honey
or bumble bees
but over seas is famine and war
starving children
homeless poor
but cheap food
they still demand
those bankers of
cloud cuckoo land

ken

the feminist are pleased with Barbie
different colour shape and size
but there is still just one Ken
that they can idolise

there is even Ken the oil rich Sheikh
with Barbie in a burka
Ken the Merchant banker
sales rep, and factory worker

ken with car and caravan
Ken with car and boat
No ken with pitch folk in hand
mucking out the goat

So where is the Farming Ken
in clarty wellie boots
with a mobile phone in the top pocket
of his John Deere boiler suit

there's just Ken the rich important chap
a sophisticated charmer
no Ken up to his eyes in debt
as a struggling hill farmer

a crofters prayer

may it stop raining
and there be no drought
let all the seed I planted
germinate and sprout
and may there not be any
slugs and snails about

may feet not get foot rot
overgrown or scold
may all the bucks and cockerels
do as they're bloody told
and may I make a profit
before I'm sick and old

may the fences stay intact
and no breaks appear
may all the lambs stay inside
at least one day a year
and may all the flying pigs
have perfect landing gear

farmers dating site

Jim brown the farmers son

can no longer go to town

so little chance of romance

or any future farmer Brown


Told to use the internet

but do it right

don't get fooled by scammer

on the internet dating site


He found a site, he liked the look

for rural country folk

but all the girls were townies

thought farming was a joke



then he saw a profile

the photograph concealed

said she had a horse

and a twenty acre field


said she liked book keeping

just love farm accounts

said she wants a helping hand

when from her horse dismounts



he wrote he'd like to meet her

if she has no other takers

and could she sent a photograph

of the twenty acres

fishing

In my distant childhood

behind my dad I trod

heading for the local stream

with a fishing rod


Never really caught much

but not a total disgrace

bringing home the minnow

Perch, Rudd, and Dace


time to hunter gather

now with covid austerity

break out the old fishing rod

and get a fish for tea


trekking up and down the stream

to the spot of my past

time to show my prowess

with a giant cast


the cast was disappointing

but it was my first try

then I remembered those wise words

to cast long you must cast high


each cast getting higher

hook arcing through the sky

tonight's tasty fish supper

will be starling and magpie

hill farmers prayer

Oh dear lord its me the farmer

down on my knees to pray

this time its not the weather

but I have some bills to pay


bills for the corn merchant

the banks overdraft demand

first it's BEXIT then it's Covid

they don't seem to understand


Sadly I know I that I must

send some stock off for slaughter

the lamb is now fully grown

the one owned by my daughter


the government has helped others

getting paid to do nowt all day

busy harvesting and bailing

only rain will cause delay


so please help this uphill farmer

until the wool cheque is in my hand

I may only put pennies in the collection

but I really need a couple of grand

Teviot smoke house

We are going to miss the smiles

the helpful cheerie folk

the cafe, the water gardens

and the products that you smoke




you were a welcome day out

for tourist and the old

the walk along the river bank

and warm cafe when it's cold




for all the staff and families

that did more than just serve

we hope have some good luck

and the happiness you deserve

lamming

Doors slammed shut with quite a sound
Children scattered for miles around
Sheep dogs scampered for their box
The only winner the hungry fox
.
Another lamming season in the hills
Where natures cares not who it kills
Favourite ewes and trusted friends
In cold heath land meet bitter end
.
Wives scatter or on best behaviour
Wishing all twins as the family saviour
Colostrum in bottles temperature right
Awake in the byre all through the night
.
Eye bags sagging deep and low
The sleepless shepherd to the pub will go
With other shepherds time is spent
Boasting lamming rates of hundred percent

accountant visit

Farmer Brown is off to town
the accountant to meet
with bin liner of invoices
and the odd receipt
browsing the grubby pages
and margins full of notes
written in Browns spider script
the action he promotes


the removal of battery hens
the compassionate will approve
bigger pens for the sows
and farrowing crates removed
the hens that go out to feed
at night have nesting box
the egg laying down on last year
thanks to a greedy fox


the malting barley failed the grade
now only used as feed
the wheat grown for the bakers
was not quite what they need
the beef and lamb at market
prices never soared
are well below expected
with cheap meat from abroad


the accountant said diversify
its the only thing to do
had he thought of ostrich
snake or kangaroo
as the accountant read on
he looked grave and ill
as he couldn't find any cash
that Brown could pay his bill

farmers year

Thick of head and over hung
The farmer greets the New Year
Contemplating what lies ahead
Through the optimistic fug of beer
.
January will be crisp and dry
The insect will die of cold
And I will get a good price
For store lambs I’ve sold
.
February on Valentines Day
The wife will be true to form
She’ll forgo the silly cards
For fingerless gloves so warm
.
March will be lamming time
Daylight will make them begin
They’ll not thinking of lamming at night
And give birth to healthy twins
.
April showers happen at night
And fall only where needed
It will not fall on barren soil
But only where I just seeded
.
May all fruit blossom will be out
Bees busy pollinating
They will do the fruit trees first
Although rape seed is waiting
.
June of the longest days
Tractors serviced due to mileage
Contract work floods in
After my two cuts of silage
.
July the grass tall and straight
All rain clouds stay away
All the grass is cut and baled
In succulent four day hay
.
August wheat is gathered in
The heating salesman cry
Combine harvester runs all day
And the wheat is storage dry
.
September main crop potatoes
Harvested more than I need
The potato buyers raise the bidding
To use my crop for seed
.
October sheep scab stays away
All sheep eager for the dip
The fruit trees picked and crated up
Delivered in one trip
.
November all cattle snug inside
And feast well on winter store
The air is clean as is the hay
With no bacterial spore
.
December with nights drawn in
And festivities in the air
Christmas trees fetch a good price
All green with no patches bare
.
From the window looking out
The farm track a muddy stream
Sheep call for feed in torrential rain
To shatter his hopeful dream

100%

Over heard in a bar!!!!


If you disregard number fifty two
Who really never had a clue
All her lamming had its cost
Every lamb she had was lost
nursed under lamp and bales of hay
The poor old thing has passed away
.
Eight and twelve I've been instructed
Don’t count because they’re tax deducted
Fifteen ten and twenty eight
We are still waiting because they’re late
They always give birth to octets
Well-fed and treated like pets
.
Ninety four and thirty five
There was a scare but still alive
Not counting ewes that are too old
And the ten soon to be sold
We are feeling quite content
This year we’ll hit hundred percent
.
Congratulations praised a hearty drinks all round
with fallen stock collection there's no burial mound

in the field

Sitting in his tractor high
The closest thing to the sky
The fields lush and steady growing
Bumper crop from one sowing

Above the crop the skylark sing
House Martin feeding on the wing
Butterflies take to the skies
With iridescent dragon flies

Beneath the crop daisy and yarrow
Scattered by the plough and harrow
Cocksfoot, rye and timothy
Grassland Savannah will never be

Beneath the leaves rapid breeding
White fly black fly aphid feeding
Food for lace wing and ladybird
Their ravenous larvae preferred

Slugs and snail in cover deep
Feeding frogs and hedgehogs creep
Parting leaves the stalking curlew
While thrushes break snail shells in two

Nature in bountiful display
For man just gets in the way
For you consumers this is done
Start the tractor and spray on

cruelty on farms

Time to speak of cruelty
Of suffering and pain
About the poor creatures
On hill farms wet with rain
I see them struggle onward
Working beyond endurance
If they fail they are doomed
Not covered by insurance
.


They rise in early morning
Work well in to the night
Given little shelter
Punished if do things right
Suffer from poor health
From chemicals and spray
With spoors of fungi in the lungs
They cough and cough all day
.


These poor communal creatures
That with others to be, are meant
Have a solitary existence
Work on with grim intent
Mud thick is all around them
It clings and saps the strength
For all other creatures comfort
They will go to some great length
.


In winter the extremities freeze
Constantly stamp their feet
Water tanks of solid ice
Each morning do they meet
A prey to agricultural reps
And bank manager’s charmer
Please buy your food locally
And save the poor hill farmer

farmers holiday

Farmers don't have holidays
I think most people knew
After 30 years without one
farmer George thought he was due


where to go he wondered
throwing darts at a map
But trying to get to Timbuktu
would stress an enterprising chap


Timbuktu Has had a drought
for twenty years or more
so with imminent global warming
those folk should know the score


George found a cheap flight
the terms seemed quite severe
it wouldn't allow cows on board
nor sheep, goats, or deer


as for his trusty sheep dog
they seemed a tad unkind
the only way that he could fly
was if George went blind


packed up his clothes in a feed bag
of fifty shades of green
hanging outside he hung wellies
never have they been so clean


stopped at check in security
for committing a crime
in the deep recess of is pockets
his knife and some baler twine


luggage search to destruction
secreted and hidden away
fencing pliers, staples and split pins
foot shears and purple spray


fourteen days of interrogation
hoping that he will tell
the members and the accomplices
of his murderous terrorist cell


released to care in the community
to his croft in mud and more rain
to rip up his holiday brochures
he won't try a holiday again

Farmers weekly

It's that time of the week
the family all dread
There will be no mischief
till the Farmers Weekly's read
Farmer Brown flicks the pages
his rages never fail
when he comes upon the page
of farms up for sale


that well appointed property
in a vale of verdant green
where no rusty tractors
or old machinery to be seen
sheep in adjacent field
well shorn no patch of bald
no sign of scour at the back
no foot rot or scald


the cattle in the pasture
well fed and straight of back
with a shiny coat and healthy
all his cross-breds lack
there are poultry in the farm yard
no droppings or bits of straw
unlike Browns scrawny critters
pecking at the door


the farm is so attractive
a sale there's bound to be
to the just plain lucky
of the peasantry
Browns farm was just like this
before he bought a cow
so many years of falling prices
who would buy it now?

shearing

June is round the corner

A busy time of year

With little chance of frost at night

And many sheep to shear

Looking for machine oil

To keep shear blades dandy

In the junkyard of the byre

For things that come in handy

.

The dagging shears with rusty blades

Electric clippers stuck

A few choice words of wisdom

Will start them with some luck

The sheep line up in terror

As enthusiasm fades

All except the first two

Will need iodine first aid

.

The shear line becomes blurred

The back begins to ache

Not employing shearers

Has been a big mistake

A hot bath awaits you

To ease labours of the croft

Lanolin smell pervades the house

The day your hands are soft

Treasure of the Andes (1993)

Lockdown

The lock down

The day before lockdown I developed chills then a high fever. The fever lasted 4 days coming out in time to see Kathy go down with it. Was it the dreaded Covid-19? We don't know but health has not returned. Both are feeling physically drained with sore throat aches and pains in joints and lymph glands.

So what mischief have we been up to in our rural idle?

When the government announced that dentist would be closed. That was just the trigger the fillings needed to make a great evacuation. Kathy has rumbling pains in the mouth, but my vacant fillings are painless sharp holes to tempt the tongue to flagellate. Oh the joys of soup.

With no shops to deliver cheese to, we can spend the time repairing the fencing. Building a colditz for hens and Stalag 3 for the pigs. We keep watching for odd behaviour with the pigs and am sure they have started another tunnel. I can't remember placing a wooden horse in the field.

Pigs Boris and Trump in the sunshine

The weather has its own problems. We went from bog to desert in just a few days. The warm weather is very welcome, but grass is hard to come by. The goats have made their demands, no milk without grass. Much in the same vein as America's no taxation without representation. As we do not really need the milk it is a bit of a stand off. I think they are planning a mass die off as a protest (a trick they learnt from sheep).

We have 3 kids this year so far. Flora and Fern are due in May and will probably be their last mating, unless they know better. Of the kids 2 are male and one female. The males are in good shape and hope they will be able to work in September. Last year Fern had quintuplets and Flora had quads. We expect our bottle feeding will triple overnight.

Remains of the leylandi branches broken off in the storm.

Otto born March 2020 first outing

                                                                                      

This years kids begin with 'O' the males are Otto and Otis. The female is Oleander. The females have to be biological, the male names can be anything male or otherwise. Last years kids are doing OK. Nettle is working on her book 1001 ingenious escapes.

Oleander, Oatis and Otto

The dry weather is affecting the slug population. We have seed trays in the greenhouse, wide spacing as per government advice, and the space between liberally coated in egg shells and coarse grit. I have no illusions that this will deter slug attacks, fully expecting a total crop loss. In times of lock down, exercise is important. An obstacle course of rough surfaces should keep the slugs fit and healthy on the way to a light lunch of lettuce sproutings.

Most families are discovering the kitchen during lock down. Kathy has everything under control food wise. She is well aware of my Brown, green and Yellow sludge that I can concoct from harmless vegetables. An abundance of eggs has been the major contributor to tasty meal times. We don't use them! We barter them with our neighbours, for cakes, bread, and pesto.

As for the poultry we have broody geese, and hens. The incubator is full of turkey eggs and guinea fowl eggs. Our luck they will be all males.

Life would be boring without some light hearted competition. To lighten the moment, we have a contest, who can last longest without shouting at the television. I was doing quite well until Matt Hancock, the unhealth minister, tried to explain the perceived lack of PPE. 42.3 seconds before I lost it.

It is encouraging to know the supermarkets think we are fit and healthy. Home delivery is out of the question for us sprightly 70s+ . Kathy hits the supermarket once every 10 days or so in silly old farts hour. Her eye catching rubber gloves will soon need face protection. At last the world war II gas mask may come in handy, even if it is for a dog!

Speaking of dogs, the hour exercise is dog walking time. A chance to sample the fresh air between dung spreading. The pot holes in the road make a useful long jump course for the dogs. Wildlife is abundant, with bees and butterflies. MacDonald food containers are less of an eyesore as is the bags of dog excrement hanging from low hanging trees.

Dougie and Molly practising social distancing

                                                                                   

We are hoping for a continuation of good weather, and who knows we may even collect a bee swarm this year.

Like many families in the lockdown we have a double lock on the knife draw!

Hope everyone survives the lockdown safely be careful and take care. Remember you are never more than 6 queues from a hand sanitizer

ps does any one want a DO NOT RESUSITATE tee shirt, unwanted present!